ATLANTA, GA — In a groundbreaking new report released Friday, doctors from the National Institute of Realistic Health confirmed that individuals over the age of 36 are, in fact, technically still alive—though most are now operating in a permanent state of exhaustion, emotionally numb caffeine puppets held together by ibuprofen and passive-aggressive sighs.
"Biologically speaking, yes, you're alive," said Dr. Rebecca Halvorsen, who co-authored the study. "But functionally, you're just a weary husk wandering from task to task, slowly crumbling under the weight of adult responsibilities, declining cartilage, and texts you forgot to reply to three weeks ago."
The report found that while people under 30 still experience bursts of energy, motivation, and optimism, those over 36 have largely settled into a lifestyle best described as “just trying to get through the day without pulling something.” Key symptoms include groaning while getting up, saying “we should get going soon” 45 minutes before leaving anywhere, and the inability to enjoy anything unless there’s parking.
"At 36, the body begins its graceful descent into what we call ‘pre-zombie mode,’” Halvorsen added. “You’re still mobile, but everything requires effort. Like, so much effort. Want to go out? No. Want to stay in? Also no. You're just… tired.”
The study also noted a sharp increase in enthusiasm for Costco samples, home appliance efficiency, and conversations that begin with "Do you know what gives me heartburn now?"
Despite the findings, doctors say there’s no cure for being 36 and tired—though participants did report mild relief after saying “no” to plans and sitting in complete silence for 6 to 9 minutes without being perceived.
At press time, researchers were preparing a follow-up study titled, “Is This Back Pain or Just the Next 40 Years of My Life?”
