SALEM, OR — After years of speculation, confusion, and outright apathy, state officials have finally confirmed what many Oregonians have long suspected: Salem has a Capitol building, and that’s pretty much it.
The announcement came during a press conference held in the grand marble halls of the Oregon State Capitol, which, while impressive, was notably lacking in visitors who weren’t either lost or there against their will for a school field trip. Governor Tina Kotek, flanked by a team of equally disinterested aides, stood before a podium and addressed the obvious.
“After extensive research, internal discussions, and deep soul-searching, we have reached the undeniable conclusion that while Salem does, in fact, have a Capitol building, there isn’t much else to say about it,” Kotek stated. “It has a big gold guy on top. You can take a tour. That’s about it.”
An Identity Crisis Confirmed
People know Portland, people know Eugene... but Salem? Not so much. The city has long struggled with its identity, often overlooked despite being the capital of Oregon. For years, officials have attempted to generate interest in the state's capital, marketing its historic downtown (which is mostly a collection of law offices and antique stores) and breathtaking natural beauty (which, to be fair, is just as lovely as any other place in Oregon, so that’s not really special).
Even the city’s biggest claims to fame, like the annual Oregon State Fair and the Enchanted Forest amusement park, have done little to change public perception. As one resident bluntly put it, “I mean, yeah, the fair is fun, but you only go if you already live here. Nobody’s driving from Portland for a deep-fried Snickers.”
Tourists React With Mild Indifference
A recent survey conducted at a nearby rest stop asked passersby what they thought about Salem. Of the 100 people polled, 73 said they had no strong feelings one way or another. 19 mistakenly believed Portland was the capital. 7 were just passing through on their way to Crater Lake, and 1 person said they “guess it’s nice?”
Local businesses have done their best to attract visitors, but efforts often fall flat. “We tried offering a walking tour of historic Salem, but most people lost interest around stop three,” said local tour guide Carol Jensen. “They kept asking if we had a riverwalk or, like, a cool food scene. We don’t. We have a Costco, though.”
At Least It’s Not Portland
One area where Salem can claim a small victory is in its homeless tent situation, which, while not great, is still not quite as bad as Portland’s. “Sure, we have tents downtown,” said one city official. “But at least you can still see the sidewalk in most places. And there’s a lower chance of stepping in something questionable.”
Residents echo this sentiment, noting that while homelessness remains an issue, Salem is, at the very least, not a national symbol for urban decay. “You don’t hear Joe Rogan ranting about us, and that’s a win in my book,” said one local.
What’s Next for Salem?
City leaders are brainstorming ways to make Salem more appealing, but so far, ideas have ranged from “Bigger signs so people actually know they’re in the capital” to “Putting more ducks in the parks” (a suggestion that surprisingly received unanimous support from the City Council).
In the meantime, the city is leaning into its new, honest approach. A billboard along I-5 now reads: “Welcome to Salem: We Have a Capitol, and That’s Pretty Much It.” The move has been met with mixed reactions, but officials remain optimistic.
“At the end of the day, we know what we are,” said Mayor Chris Hoy. “And if people want an exciting city with endless things to do, they can drive an hour north to Portland. And then drive back here when they get tired of traffic and high rent.”
For now, Salem will continue doing what it does best: being the capital of Oregon, and not much else.
This article is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes. While Salem is indeed Oregon’s capital, any humorous exaggerations or statements should not be taken as factual.
