SALEM, OR — A new study has confirmed what every frustrated driver on I-5 already suspected: for many Oregonians, the left lane isn’t a place for efficient travel—it’s a sacred space for deep personal reflection at exactly three miles under the speed limit.
According to research from the Oregon Department of Transportation’s Institute for Traffic Inefficiency (ODOTITI), a staggering 87% of Oregon drivers view the left lane as a stress-free zone for contemplating major life decisions, admiring cloud formations, or simply existing in their own little world.
“We found that Oregon drivers see the left lane as a vibe, not a traffic tool,” said lead researcher Dr. Linda Pearson. “One participant described it as ‘the perfect space to just breathe and center myself before getting to Trader Joe’s.’ That’s an actual quote. This is why I drink.”
The study also uncovered disturbing trends:
- 38% of left-lane campers admit they have no idea how many cars are behind them.
- 22% say they “get nervous” if they go the speed limit, so they slow down “just a little.”
- 11% claim that if someone wants to pass, “they can just go around me, what’s the rush?”
- 100% of California and Washington drivers surveyed are considering therapy.
Left Lane Campers Speak Out
Local driver Jasper Wynwood, 36, says he enjoys using the left lane to process his thoughts.
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“Sometimes, when I’m driving, I just start wondering… Who am I, really?” Wynwood mused, holding up traffic at a steady 62 mph in his silver Subaru Outback. “I like to keep my speed consistent so I can really focus on life’s deeper questions, you know?”
Meanwhile, Seattle resident Ashley Carter, 29, described the experience of trying to pass through Oregon as “absolute psychological warfare.”
“I was just trying to drive from Portland to Medford, and suddenly I’m behind some guy in a Prius who seems to be pondering the meaning of the universe instead of moving over,” Carter ranted. “I flashed my lights. I honked. I yelled. Nothing. He just… nodded to himself like he was about to make a major career change and stayed exactly at 62.”
ODOT Issues PSA: “MOVE THE HELL OVER”
In response to the study, the Oregon Department of Transportation has launched a bold new campaign to educate drivers on the correct use of the left lane. Their slogan: “MOVE THE HELL OVER.”
The initiative includes digital billboards, PSA videos, and even an emergency hotline where motorists stuck behind a slowpoke can call and scream into the void.
Unfortunately, early reports suggest that left-lane campers are ignoring the campaign, dismissing it as “just another government overreach.”
At press time, a caravan of Honda CR-Vs was spotted blocking both lanes of I-5 southbound near Eugene, maintaining a steady 54 mph in solidarity.
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes. We love Oregon (mostly) and recognize that not all drivers treat the left lane like their personal therapy session—but let’s be honest, enough do. If you’re offended, consider this a sign to check your rearview mirror and maybe, just maybe, move over.
