PORTLAND, OR — In a city famous for its love of drizzle, gloom, and perfectly damp mornings, three consecutive days of sunshine have sent locals into a full-blown existential crisis. Hundreds of Portlanders gathered downtown on Sunday to demand the immediate return of their beloved gray skies, calling the relentless sunshine "an attack on our culture of introspection and melancholy."
“We’re not built for this kind of weather,” said Juniper Moss, clutching an iced oat milk latte while shielding her face with a vintage raincoat hood. “My lily-white skin can’t take it! Three days of sunshine and I’m already two shades away from lobster. Portland is a city of soft light and soft emotions—we thrive in the clouds. This sun is... oppressive.”
What began as a peaceful gathering in Pioneer Courthouse Square, with protesters holding signs that read “BRING BACK THE GRAY” and “SUNSHINE RUINS LIVES,” quickly escalated into what locals are calling the “Daylight Riot.” Protesters marched downtown, demanding answers, smashing windows at businesses accused of “promoting happiness culture,” and setting fire to a pile of sunglasses outside a department store.
“This is about more than the sun,” said a protester named Aspen, wearing a flannel shirt and ironically large sunglasses. “It’s about preserving Portland’s identity. We’re not a sunny, smiley place. We’re a city of brooding poets, existential thoughts, and damp socks. Sunshine has no place here! Some of us are happiest with gray skies, a cup of black coffee, and Elliot Smith on repeat.”
As the demonstrations intensified, some residents took their grievances to social media, where hashtags like #CloudsAreCulture and #GloomForTheSoul trended for hours. Others began crowdfunding campaigns to bring in artificial clouds for local parks, while community groups organized “Rain Appreciation Circles” to reminisce about puddle-jumping and the joy of soggy bike rides.
Business owners were divided. “I get it,” said Hazel Whitmore, who owns a boutique selling scarves and wool sweaters. “No one wants to buy scarves when it’s sunny, but breaking my window doesn’t bring back the rain.” Meanwhile, a local sunscreen shop reported record sales as protesters grudgingly prepared for more exposure to the “sky fire.”
City officials, blindsided by the intensity of the reaction, released a statement late Sunday. “We understand the emotional connection Portlanders have to their clouds,” said Mayor Keith Wilson. “We’re working closely with climate experts to ensure this anomaly doesn’t disrupt our city’s identity. Rest assured, the clouds will return soon.”
Meteorologists attempted to calm the public, explaining that the sunny weather is due to a temporary high-pressure system. “This is completely normal,” said KOIN meteorologist Sage Drizzle. “By Wednesday, we’ll have the rain back. Please, Portland, step out of the shadows... metaphorically, of course.”
But protesters remained unconvinced. One particularly impassioned demonstrator, who identified only as “Nimbus,” stood on the courthouse steps holding a half-melted candle and shouted, “You think the sun will stop here? It starts with a week of blue skies, and next thing you know, we’ll all be wearing shorts year-round!”
As the protests continued into the evening, organizers announced plans for a larger rally titled “Clouds Not Cows: A Demand for Overcast Action.” Events will include a sunscreen bonfire, a rain dance flash mob, and a seminar on “How to Reconnect With Your Inner Gloom.”
For now, Portlanders are hunkering down with iced coffee, thick novels, and SPF 50, praying for their rainy muse to return and save the city from this existential crisis of brightness.
Disclaimer: This article is satire and entirely fictional. While Portlanders may adore their gray skies, the events described here are purely for comedic purposes. Embrace the sunshine while it lasts—or don’t.
