WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OR — City officials issued a blunt but widely appreciated advisory Wednesday morning urging residents to remain indoors after a night of relentless rain, howling wind, and power outages that left much of the valley waking up cold, exhausted, and deeply annoyed.
“Look, we ran the numbers,” said a city spokesperson, standing in front of a backdrop of gray nothingness. “There’s no upside to going outside right now. It’s miserable. It’s stupid. And frankly, it feels personal.”
The advisory follows last night’s windstorm, which rattled windows, knocked out power across multiple neighborhoods, and ensured that thousands of residents woke up at 3:17 a.m. convinced a tree was actively trying to enter their bedroom. Crews reported downed branches, flickering streetlights, and a region-wide sense of regret.
“I woke up thinking the house was going to lift off,” said Eugene resident Mark R., who then spent the rest of the night listening to rain slam sideways into his siding. “By the time morning came, I was already mad and I hadn’t even checked the news yet.”
Meteorologists confirmed that conditions are expected to remain unchanged for the foreseeable future, noting that issuing a traditional forecast no longer feels honest.
“At this point, calling it a ‘seven-day forecast’ implies variety,” said one weather expert. “Especially in the Willamette Valley. It’s just going to rain. Then rain again. Then somehow rain harder while already raining. Forever.”
Officials said the soggy ground, constant drizzle, and heavy gray skies have combined into what experts are calling “peak Oregon winter morale collapse,” a phenomenon marked by damp socks, canceled plans, and people describing 42 degrees as “aggressively cold.”
Local residents have reportedly adapted by layering hoodies under rain jackets under other rain jackets, pretending this is “kind of nice actually,” and briefly romanticizing the weather before immediately resenting it again.
City leaders emphasized the advisory was not meant to alarm anyone, but rather to acknowledge reality.
“We’re not saying panic,” the spokesperson added. “We’re saying maybe don’t run errands. Maybe don’t go on that walk. And maybe stop asking when it’s supposed to clear up. You live here. You know the answer.”
As of press time, the rain continued to fall, the wind continued to mock everyone, and the sun remained completely uninterested in participating.
