BEND, OR — In a move city officials are calling “a natural evolution of our community’s identity,” Bend has officially begun requiring all new residents to report to City Hall within 48 hours of arrival to collect their mandatory puffy black Columbia jacket.
The ordinance, passed unanimously by the Bend City Council after only 11 minutes of discussion and one enthusiastic fist-pump, aims to “streamline assimilation” for the thousands of newcomers flooding into the Central Oregon mountain town each year.
“This isn’t just fashion. This is culture. This is who we are,” said Bend spokesperson Lacey Thornwood, adjusting her own city-issued puffy black Columbia jacket, which is reportedly indistinguishable from the ones worn by the rest of Bend’s 102,000 residents. “Wearing one is about becoming part of something bigger — a unified community of people who dress exactly the same while insisting we’re quirky and outdoorsy.”
Under the new rule, City Hall’s lobby has been converted into what staff describe as an “orientation boutique,” where newcomers file through stations to receive their state-mandated gear. Each jacket is fitted, zipped, photographed, and entered into Bend’s official Puffer Registry.
New arrival Mike Halbrook, who moved from Phoenix last week, said the process was “surprisingly efficient” and “a little culty.”
“They told me I’m not legally allowed to go to Trader Joe’s, get a seasonal latte, or stand in line at Mt. Bachelor without the jacket,” Halbrook said. “I didn’t realize how serious this was until someone whispered that showing up in a Patagonia vest is punishable by mandatory e-bike commuting.”
Local law enforcement confirmed the new policy will be “strictly enforced,” with officers now equipped with thermal scanners designed to detect whether a jacket has the legally required amount of puff. Violators will face escalating penalties, starting with a polite reminder, followed by a stern look from a bearded barista, and ultimately a 72-hour ban from Pilot Butte.
Despite some pushback from libertarian transplants insisting this is “tyranny on top of microbrewery fascism,” longtime Bend residents widely support the measure.
“If everyone’s wearing the same puffy black Columbia jacket, it eliminates judgment,” said resident Heather Jacobs while jogging with her golden doodle, who also wore a matching puffy Columbia vest. “It’s like a uniform that tells people: I hike sometimes and I can afford a $7 drip coffee.”
In response to concerns about individuality, the city clarified that residents will be permitted to accessorize with one (1) acceptable stylistic flair: either a Hydro Flask covered in Oregon-centric stickers or a beanie in earth tones. Both must be registered.
The ordinance is expected to roll out fully by spring, when Bend anticipates another surge of newcomers desperate to escape rising housing prices in Portland by moving somewhere even more expensive.
City officials remain confident the program will unify the city.
“Whether you’re a remote tech worker, a mountain biker, or someone who claims they’re going to learn to snowboard but never does,” Thornwood said proudly, “the puffy black Columbia jacket is the great equalizer.”
At press time, Bend officials were reportedly considering a follow-up measure requiring all Subaru owners to undergo annual stick-figure-family decal inspections.
