PORTLAND, OR — The Beaver State confirmed this week that Seasonal Depression Season has officially returned as Oregon once again slips into eternal darkness, a ritual as dependable as rain, moss, and Subaru Outbacks with coexist stickers.
While Oregonians technically started losing light back in June after the summer solstice, experts say September and October are when the plunge feels like a free-fall into oblivion. Portland’s last 7 p.m. sunset will flicker out on September 25, followed by the last 6 p.m. sunset just before Halloween. By November 2, the sun will set before 5 p.m., marking the annual kickoff of “well, I guess the day’s over” dinners at 4:30 in the afternoon.
Residents across the Beaver State reported the annual ritual of looking outside at 4:52 p.m., realizing the sun had abandoned them, and muttering, “Well, here we go again.”
“It’s basically our Super Bowl,” said Eugene resident Mark Jensen, who celebrated the season opener by buying a 12-pack of IPA and a full-spectrum lightbulb. “By mid-November, I’ll be wearing pajamas 22 hours a day and referring to vitamin D as ‘happy pills.’ I can’t wait.”
Meteorologists explained that Oregon is set to lose over 90 minutes of daylight this month alone, a phenomenon they described as “science,” though most locals simply refer to it as “God’s reminder that living here is a bad idea.”
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City officials are already preparing for the season’s traditions: Portland will once again host its Annual SAD Lamp Lighting Ceremony, where Mayor Keith Wilson will ceremoniously plug in a Costco light panel before retreating to cry quietly under it. Meanwhile, Bend residents plan to hike Pilot Butte at noon, since that’s now the only safe daylight window for outdoor activity.
Local businesses are also gearing up. Dutch Bros announced its new Pumpkin Prozac Latte, while Fred Meyer reported record sales in fleece blankets, blackout curtains, and boxed wine.
“This is our culture,” said Salem mother of three, Anna Ruiz. “Some states get fall foliage, others get football. Here in Oregon, we get six months of rain, moldy basements, and the creeping suspicion that we’ll never see the sun again. Honestly, it builds character.”
Experts predict the darkness will persist until at least March, at which point Oregonians will emerge pale, vitamin-deficient, and deeply unfunny, ready to pretend they “love the seasons” all over again.
At press time, a local man in Gresham was seen standing in front of his neighbor’s porch light, whispering, “Is this what warmth feels like?”
