SALEM, OR — In a bold new move to secure its place as America’s favorite bulk-buying utopia, Costco has unveiled its most jaw-dropping creation yet: a 470-pound rotisserie chicken that promises to feed an entire neighborhood, or one very determined uncle during football season.
Currently being test marketed exclusively in Salem, Oregon, the poultry behemoth is slow-roasted to golden perfection and available in the familiar black plastic tray — now resized to resemble a hot tub.
Costco shoppers were reportedly stunned Wednesday morning when warehouse employees wheeled the first mega-chicken out of the rotisserie using a forklift and a prayer.
“This thing is majestic,” said local shopper Brenda Knoll, wiping away a tear. “I asked if it came with a meat thermometer, and they said it comes with a mechanic.”
In true Costco fashion, the 470-pound chicken is priced at just $4.99, the same as its smaller, mortal-sized sibling — a price that, insiders confirm, continues to hemorrhage money for the company.
“We lose about $131 on each one,” said one anonymous Costco executive. “The oil alone costs more than a used Toyota Camry. But it’s not about profit — it’s about vibes.”
The executive added that the giant chicken initiative is part of Costco’s long-standing philosophy: make people so happy they forget we don’t take American Express anymore.
Dubbed “Project Cluckzilla” internally, the new chicken has required several warehouse upgrades in Salem, including reinforced floors, industrial oven installations, and a special cart with brakes for transportation.
“We almost lost one down an aisle last week,” said store manager Kyle Mendez. “It gained momentum near the sample tables. We had to use a pallet of diapers to stop it.”
Customers are strongly discouraged from attempting to cook the bird at home.
“Legally, we have to advise people to not try to reheat this thing in a residential oven,” said a Costco culinary engineer. “Unless you’ve got a pizza kiln and a permit from the fire department.”
Instead, Salem’s test location has partnered with local rec centers, where families can schedule “chicken carving slots” like they're renting a bounce house.
Local reception has been overwhelmingly positive.
“I don’t even like chicken,” said Salem resident Rick Dupree, “but I just wanted to be part of history. I took a selfie with it. My wife made it our Christmas card.”
One Oregon mother, however, was left in stunned silence after discovering her teenage son had eaten the entire 470-pound bird over a long weekend. “I thought he was sneaking pieces for his friends,” said Sheila O’Connell of Keizer. “But by Sunday night, it was gone. Just bones. I found him sleeping in the garage under a weighted blanket and two drumsticks. He said he was ‘still a little peckish.’ I don’t know whether to be concerned or proud.”
As rumors swirl of a future Thanksgiving-sized turkey rollout weighing over 800 pounds, Costco loyalists are already dreaming of what’s next.
“We’re not saying we’re doing a 1-ton brisket next,” the executive said. “But we’re definitely not not saying that.”
In the meantime, residents of Salem can enjoy bragging rights as the first Americans to ever whisper, “Honey, go grab the second freezer. Chicken’s back.”
