SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking effort to bring communities together through coordinated chaos, the state of Oregon has officially launched the nation’s first Hunger Games, complete with blazing wildfires, spontaneous riots, and a rotating schedule of statewide lockdowns.
Organizers say the event offers a “uniquely Oregonian survival experience,” blending the state’s most iconic disasters into a thrilling, government-sanctioned bloodsport.
“This is about unity,” said Governor Tina Kotek while standing in front of a burning Douglas fir tree. “What better way to heal political division than watching your neighbors fight to the death while trying to outrun an Antifa flash mob and a forest fire at the same time?”
The inaugural Games opened with a ceremonial looting of a Walgreens, followed by the traditional reading of emergency mask mandates. Tributes were then released into the arena — a hybrid landscape featuring scorched national forest, Portland city blocks, and a suspiciously quiet DMV office that may or may not be filled with tear gas.
Each district was allowed to send two tributes, with District Whole Foods and District Tractor Supply drawing the most media attention. Early favorites include a 17-year-old homeschooler from Klamath Falls with elk-hunting experience, and a sociology major from Eugene armed with a strongly worded letter and a reusable water bottle.
Weapons are scattered throughout the arena, ranging from sharpened sticks and expired Narcan kits to fully operational AR-15s abandoned during a failed ATF sting. Surveillance drones monitor progress, pausing only to recharge from solar panels that were recently defunded.
Midway through the first day, three contestants had already been eliminated — one due to smoke inhalation, one after accidentally walking into a protest zone marked “autonomous,” and one who voluntarily stepped into a FEMA van thinking it was an Uber.
Despite criticism from civil rights groups, public health officials have praised the Games for encouraging outdoor activity and discouraging large indoor gatherings.
“Honestly, this is the healthiest thing we’ve done in years,” said Oregon’s Surgeon General. “We’ve got kids off screens, we’ve got masks back on faces, and we’ve reintroduced natural selection into the public school system. It’s a win-win.”
The winner will receive a two-bedroom yurt in Bend, one tank of gasoline, and a promise from state officials that no new mandates will be issued for at least four business days.
At press time, tributes were seen forming alliances based on shared Spotify playlists, arguing over pronouns, and asking if the next lockdown could include DoorDash credits.
