SALEM, OR — In a heartfelt press release delivered with the emotional depth of a dropped toaster, Pacific Power announced its latest rate increase this week, citing "deep empathy" for the financial hardship many Oregonians are facing.
“We know times are tough,” said company spokesperson Riley Kilowatt, adjusting his Patagonia fleece in an air-conditioned boardroom. “That’s why we’re proud to announce a significant rate hike—because when our customers suffer, we want to make sure we’re right there suffering profitably alongside them.”
The company said the increase, which will help cover the cost of executive bonuses, wildfire lawsuits, and possibly upgrading a single utility pole in Burns, is a necessary step in their ongoing mission to "do the absolute least while charging the absolute most."
Company executives added that the decision came after internal audits revealed a disturbing discovery: “Some customers still had a few dollars left after paying their bills,” Kilowatt said. “Obviously, we had to fix that.”
Oregonians from Portland to Pendleton reacted with predictable enthusiasm.
“I opened my power bill and assumed it was a ransom note,” said Medford resident Emily Greer. “I didn’t realize I was personally funding their next court settlement.”
Pacific Power assured customers the new rates reflect their commitment to "innovation, sustainability, and billing you into another tax bracket." The utility also teased upcoming features like “rolling blackouts with premium add-ons” and a $5 surcharge for calling customer service during an emergency.
When asked what advice they had for struggling customers, the spokesperson replied, “Have you considered using less power, moving to Idaho, or just learning to enjoy the dark?”
At press time, Pacific Power was reportedly exploring the idea of billing customers for simply thinking about electricity.
