SALEM, OR — In a bold new plan, Oregon leaders say they have finally figured out how to fix all the state’s biggest problems: by taking a big pile of your tax money… and setting it on fire.
Yes, seriously.
Governor Tina Kotek recently announced another big idea to stop wildfires in Oregon. The plan? Take even more money from the people who live here. And instead of doing something useful with it, like clearing trees or putting out actual fires, the state might as well just light the cash on fire and roast marshmallows over it.
“It’s just easier this way,” said one government worker while sipping a $9 organic smoothie. “We’ve already spent billions on homelessness, drugs, and wildfires — and nothing changed. So why not just burn it all up and save time?”
In Portland, the city spent millions trying to stop drug use. What happened? Even more drugs. They gave out tents and snacks, but the homeless camps just got bigger. Wildfires? The state held a lot of meetings, made some TikToks about “fire awareness,” and did absolutely nothing with the trees that keep catching on fire.
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Now, state experts say this new “Fire the Money” plan is the most honest one yet. No more pretending. No more silly PowerPoint slides. Just gather up millions of your hard-earned tax dollars and whoosh! — light it up like it’s the Fourth of July.
Governor Kotek called the idea “a fresh approach to fiscal courage.” When asked how this plan is different from everything that hasn’t worked so far, she said, “This time we’re open about wasting your money.”
Even people around Oregon are starting to agree.
“At least if they burn it, we’ll get a little warmth,” said a man in Eugene, standing next to a pothole that’s been there since 2003.
A woman in Portland added, “I’d rather watch a flaming pile of tax money than read another 300-page government plan that says, ‘We’re looking into it.’”
The state is currently looking for a safe place to set the fire. So far, options include Waterfront Park, a state office parking lot, or anywhere in Portland that isn’t already on fire.
