NEWPORT, OR — Staff at the Goodwill Boutique on Cape & Donation Center are reportedly “deeply puzzled” by the steady stream of financially struggling people who keep showing up under the false assumption that this is a place for affordable clothing — rather than a coastal showroom for $58 windbreakers that smell faintly like seaweed and regret.
“We’re not a regular Goodwill,” clarified shift lead Kelsee (who insists her name is spelled with two e’s, and don’t ask why). “We’re a boutique. We have hardwood floors. We play indie jazz. Our fitting room curtains are made from repurposed sails. This isn’t about survival — it’s about aesthetic poverty.”
Despite all inventory being donated for free by local residents — many of whom just needed to make room in their garage — the Cape Street boutique continues to charge prices that hover somewhere between “lightly used” and “bold new scam.”
“I came in hoping to find a cheap jacket for work,” said Newport fisherman Jake Hollis, visibly shaken. “They had a Columbia fleece for $74. It had a dead crab claw in the pocket. I asked if that came with it. They said no, that’s extra.”
Employees say the store's true clientele are coastal retirees with Audis and Gen Z tourists trying to look poor on Instagram.
“Thrifting is about vibes now,” said assistant manager Broden, standing beside a shelf labeled Seaside Rustic Realness. “We’re here for people who want to spend $39 on a nautical-themed mug that says ‘Don’t Talk to Me ‘Til I’ve Had My Chowder.’ Not, like, actual poor people.”
The boutique has since added a chalkboard sign near the entrance reading:
“If you’re here because your last $10 has to stretch through payday, you’re probably looking for a different town.”
Locals say the only item under $10 is a cracked Goonies VHS tape labeled “Decor Only.”
Asked to justify the prices, Broden adjusted his seafoam beanie and shrugged:
“Capitalism’s a beach.”
Disclaimer:
This article is a work of satire and parody. It is not affiliated with or endorsed by Goodwill Industries or the Goodwill Boutique on Cape Street in Newport, Oregon. All characters, quotes, and scenarios are fictionalized for comedic effect. No crab claws were harmed in the making of this article. Please don’t sue us — we can’t even afford the fleece.
