SWEET HOME, OR — After weeks of intense financial planning and one extremely awkward meeting with a steak loan officer, local dad Ron Beckett has officially secured a down payment on two USDA Choice ribeye steaks—just in time for his long-awaited weekend BBQ.
“We had to move some things around,” Beckett said, proudly holding a printed pre-approval letter from Wells Fargo Meats & Mortgage. “But with a little luck and a flexible 18-month meat note, I’ll be grilling by Saturday afternoon.”
Sources close to the Beckett family confirm that Ron began shopping for steaks back in early March, but was forced to delay purchase after realizing prices had surged faster than his adjustable-rate beef line of credit could keep up.
“We were originally planning to do burgers,” said Ron’s wife, Tammy. “But then Ron said, ‘No. It’s my grill. It’s my weekend. I want steak.’ Next thing I know, we’re faxing tax returns to a butcher in Omaha.”
Ron, a self-identified grill purist and amateur lawn care philosopher, said he spent most of Thursday night reviewing interest rates and marinade options.
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“Right now I’m locked in at 6.9% with a garlic herb contingency,” he explained, flipping through a pamphlet titled Steak Equity & You: Grilling in a Post-Beef Economy. “If rates dip again, I might refinance and throw in a filet.”
Experts warn that Ron’s move is risky, with one economist noting, “If he misses just one payment, the steaks could be repossessed mid-sizzle.”
Despite the warnings, Ron remains confident.
“This is the American dream,” he said, firing up his 2014 Weber Spirit E-310. “A man, a grill, and two heavily financed slabs of meat he can barely afford. Tell me that’s not freedom.”
At press time, Ron was seen hanging a sign above the grill that read, “No Collateral, No Kabobs.”
