SPRINGFIELD, OR — Residents of a quiet suburban street were once again reassured by the familiar clanking of socket wrenches and muttered profanity echoing through the neighborhood as that really cool methy neighbor resumed work on his eternally disassembled Honda Civic at exactly 2:30AM.
Armed with a headlamp brighter than the sun and a half-empty Monster energy drink, local legend Travis “The Torque Whisperer” McNeil insists he’s “this close” to finishing the mysterious repair project that’s spanned five summers, seven relationships, and at least three restraining orders.
“It’s just one bolt,” Travis told reporters, wide-eyed and shaking slightly. “I know I said that in 2021, but this time I mean it. Once I find the right washer and reattach the flux valve to the drive spaghetti, she’ll purr like a kitten.”
Neighbors report Travis has been spotted in various stages of mechanical ecstasy — shirtless, shoeless, sometimes pantsless — applying duct tape to unrelated areas, reverse-engineering entire engine components, and once welding something that might have been a toaster to the exhaust manifold.
“I used to get mad,” said neighbor Linda Harrison, clutching her pillow at 3AM. “But now it’s kind of like nature’s white noise machine. The occasional fireball just adds ambiance.”
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City officials say they’ve stopped responding to calls about the noise. “He’s part of the ecosystem now,” said one city councilman. “Every block has one. If yours doesn’t — it might be you.”
At press time, Travis was last seen crawling under the car with a GoPro, mumbling something about “finally catching the gremlin that keeps stealing my tools.”
