BEND, OR — Local 40-year-old insurance adjuster and recreational hiker Kyle Marston is reportedly gearing up for another exciting weekend on the trails, where he fully expects to rediscover that same vague, mysterious knee pain that’s been haunting him since a poorly timed leap off a rock in 2017.
“I don’t know what it is,” said Marston, lovingly tightening his decade-old hiking boots over two compression sleeves and a sense of impending doom. “It only happens when I go downhill, uphill, turn, stand still too long, or think about squatting. It’s tradition at this point.”
Friends report Marston has done no stretching, refuses physical therapy, and insists on carrying a 30-pound backpack filled with unnecessary survival gear, including a collapsible shovel, a VHS copy of Dances With Wolves, and a flare gun “just in case the vibes get weird.”
“I’ve tried everything short of seeing an actual doctor,” he said proudly, adjusting his Patagonia hat while applying a fresh coat of menthol pain cream that smells like regret. “But I think if I hike through the pain long enough, my body will either heal or just give up entirely.”
The father of two plans to embark on a five-mile loop described online as “moderate” but by his own account “brutally punishing,” complete with switchbacks, jagged rocks, and other people who pretend they aren’t also dying inside.
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“Last time I did this trail, I came back with a limp, a bruised ego, and an ice pack duct-taped to my leg,” Marston recounted fondly. “Can’t wait to do it again.”
At press time, Marston was seen watching a YouTube video titled “Fix Your Knees Forever in 3 Easy Steps” while simultaneously popping Advil and booking a massage he will cancel due to “budget reasons.”
