EUGENE, OR — A shocking new study released Monday has confirmed what many suspected all along: meth users are now the world’s foremost experts in unattended tool acquisition, also known in some legal circles as “theft.”
The study, conducted by researchers who asked to remain anonymous for “obvious reasons,” found that meth users have developed an uncanny sixth sense for locating power tools left unattended in driveways, open garages, or truck beds with a slightly cracked window.
“We were stunned,” said Dr. Karen Watts, lead researcher. “They can smell a DeWalt drill from 300 yards away. We once observed a subject locate and extract an entire Craftsman toolbox using only a bent fork, a shoelace, and the power of delusion.”
According to the report, meth users display advanced skills in:
- Casually walking off with a weed eater while maintaining eye contact
- Detecting unlocked sheds from across county lines
- Claiming every extension cord “was already on the ground, so it’s basically free”
- Arguing with homeowners that “you said I could borrow it in my dream last night”
Local law enforcement has responded by updating theft classifications to include “meth-motivated foraging” and recommending that residents invest in motion-sensor lights, better locks, and possibly large dogs named “Probation.”
One user interviewed insisted that he wasn’t stealing, but merely “relocating tools to a better spiritual environment.”
At press time, the study’s clipboard, laptop, and lab coats had mysteriously vanished from the research van.
