EUGENE, OR — In an inspiring display of community spirit, local meth entrepreneur Travis "Sparky" Jenkins has announced a new initiative aimed at educating the next generation of scientists: free backyard "science lessons" for area youth.
“I just want to give back, you know?” said Jenkins, who proudly holds a GED and over 15 years of hands-on "laboratory experience." “When I was a kid, nobody showed me the magic of chemical reactions. Now, thanks to me, these kids will grow up knowing the true meaning of combustion, crystallization, and the importance of wearing a gas mask indoors.”
Parents in the Whiteaker neighborhood expressed mixed feelings about the program, with some praising Jenkins’ "entrepreneurial spirit" while others voiced minor concerns about "the smell" and "the occasional explosions."
According to flyers stapled to telephone poles around town, Jenkins’ curriculum includes:
- Basic Chemistry: Turning household items into "life-changing opportunities"
- Physics: The art of outrunning authorities while carrying heavy glassware
- Business Math: Calculating overhead costs, profit margins, and bribe budgets
- Life Skills: What to say when you accidentally melt your eyebrows off
City officials, initially confused, mistakenly issued Jenkins a "Community Enrichment Grant," thinking the program was part of a STEM outreach effort.
“We just saw the words ‘science education’ and approved it,” admitted one Eugene City Council member, shrugging. “Frankly, this is still better organized than our public schools.”
As for Jenkins, he remains optimistic.
“These kids are the future,” he said, coughing violently into a bandana. “If just one of them grows up to invent a safer way to make meth, I’ll know I did my part.”
Enrollment is open now. Safety goggles and liability waivers are strongly encouraged.
