ORLANDO, FL — A groundbreaking new theme park is making headlines for its two revolutionary promises: no children in the lazy river — and every adult will be aggressively blacked out by lunchtime.

Lazy River Lagoon, opening this summer, has been described as “Spring Break meets early retirement” — a chlorine-soaked utopia where adults can relax, drink excessively, and not once have to dodge a rogue Baby Ruth bobbing beside them.

“We’ve eliminated the number one threat to adult happiness in the water: children with questionable bathroom habits,” said park spokesperson Tammy Driftwood. “And replaced them with something better: alcohol. So, so much alcohol.”

A Bar Every 10 Yards. Literally.

The park’s signature lazy river — the 1.5-mile “Loop of Letting Go™” — features float-up bars every 10 yards, making sobriety not only impossible, but actually frowned upon. Lifeguards have been retrained as “Float Tenders,” and their primary job is to hand you your next drink and gently push your tube downriver if you stop paddling due to dizziness or introspection.

“We’ve got Bloody Mary barges, Piña Colada pontoons, a tequila hot tub raft, a sangria waterfall, and a guy named Randy floating around in a beer cooler kayak just vibing,” said Driftwood. “Honestly, we’re not even sure how he got hired, but the guests love him.”

The park has even installed robo-bartenders on inner tubes, programmed to approach you unprompted every six minutes to say things like, ‘You look like you could use another frozen Rum & Regret!’

Blackout By Noon: Not a Threat — A Promise™

All guests are gently but firmly handed their first shot at the entrance gate. After that, it’s a well-oiled system of drink stations, free-pour policies, and a “No Sober Person Left Behind” task force that will find you if you try to drink water.

“You’ll forget your name, lose a flip-flop, and make at least one bad texting decision by 11:47 a.m.,” says guest services director Chad Beersley, who legally changed his name at the park’s soft launch.

To ensure guests are never burdened with responsibilities like “walking” or “standing,” the park offers roaming nap tubes, designed for spontaneous unconsciousness, and designated memory recovery counselors who will piece together your afternoon for you with body cam footage.

Absolutely No Kids. Not Even Photos of Them.

To prevent any child-related contamination, the park is guarded by animatronic toddlers at the entrance who throw fake tantrums and scream “MOMMMMM!” — a psychological deterrent that has already turned away over 400 potential intruders.

Security dogs are trained to sniff out Go-Gurt, glitter, and Cocomelon ringtones. If you even think about bringing a child within 500 feet of the park, a silent alarm is triggered and you are escorted off-site by a man dressed as a judge who simply says, “No.”

Other Attractions

• The Margarita Rapids — A whitewater adventure that ends with a shot and a very concerning voicemail to your ex.
• The Regretcoaster — Spins you until you forget who you are and dumps you into a splash zone of spiked seltzer.
• The Inner Tube of Truth™ — Float in, talk about your childhood trauma, float out with a double whiskey.

At press time, Disney responded to Lazy River Lagoon’s announcement with the unveiling of their new attraction: “It’s a Small World, But Everyone’s Crying,” available exclusively at their Parents Who Regret This Trip Pavilion.