U.S. — In a move described by many as a "direct attack on poor decision-making," Jack in the Box has announced the closure of dozens of its locations across the country, sending shockwaves through the nation’s drunk and deeply hungry population.
Once hailed as the last beacon of greasy hope between the hours of 1AM and 4AM, Jack in the Box was more than just a fast-food chain—it was a sanctuary for the sauced. A sacred temple where slurred speech and bad ideas were not only welcomed, but expected.
Now, with the chain pulling down its steel drive-thru shutters for good in key cities, the intoxicated masses are left reeling.
“This is worse than the hangover,” said Trevor Marks, 28, as he stood outside a darkened Jack in the Box in Los Angeles holding a crumpled twenty-dollar bill and a handful of shame. “Where am I supposed to go now to loudly order 8 tacos and a breakfast sandwich while vomiting out my sunroof?”
Police departments across the country reported a sharp drop in DUI incidents following the closures—but experts warn the drop is bittersweet.
“Sure, drunk driving has plummeted,” said Sgt. Lisa Harrow of the Austin PD. “But so has joy. You take away 2AM tacos, and all that’s left is regret and cold French fries from 7-Eleven.”
Mental health experts are also raising alarms. “Many Americans built their entire post-bar routine around that drive-thru,” said Dr. Glenn Rayner, who specializes in emotional eating. “We’re now seeing patients experiencing late-night existential dread with nowhere to channel it but into sad Instagram stories and leftover pizza crusts.”
The White House released a brief statement acknowledging the growing unrest: “We are monitoring the taco situation closely. Our thoughts are with those affected.”
Meanwhile, grassroots efforts have sprung up nationwide. Some are petitioning for 24-hour taqueria emergency funding, while others are taking to the streets—sometimes literally—by forming “drunk taco flash mobs” at vacant Jack in the Box lots.
As of press time, a man in Portland had built a crude replica of the drive-thru speaker in his front yard and was taking fake orders from equally drunk friends just to feel something.
