U.S. — In a bold new step to ensure Americans never enjoy anything ever again, candy manufacturer Mars announced that all colorful M&Ms will now be coated in a thick layer of organic kale slime following HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s sweeping ban on artificial food dyes.
The move comes as part of the federal government's new “Bland & Natural” initiative, which aims to eliminate anything remotely appealing from the American food supply.
“We’re thrilled to unveil our new line of Eco Edition M&Ms,” said Mars spokesperson Juniper Fields, standing barefoot in a Whole Foods. “They’ve got all the chocolatey nostalgia of your childhood, now wrapped in a bioavailable kale-based slurry that tastes like virtue and lawn clippings.”
Instead of the vibrant reds, blues, and yellows previously used in the iconic candy shells, the new M&Ms will be available exclusively in Heritage Green—a color derived from liquefied kale and taxpayer-funded tears. The company promises the new coating is “ethically sourced from local Oregon co-ops and completely devoid of joy.”
Reactions from consumers have been mixed.
“I mean… they taste like kale,” said longtime M&M fan Todd Brenner, frowning while chewing. “But my chakra feels cleaner, and RFK Jr. says these won’t make my insides glow in the dark, so that’s cool.”
When asked about the controversial shift, HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. defended the decision:
“For too long, Americans have been consuming candies that look like printer ink and taste like cancer,” Kennedy rasped into a microphone powered by essential oils. “This is a historic win for public health. From now on, if you want to enjoy chocolate, it’s going to come with the bitter aftertaste of responsibility.”
Health-conscious influencers have already praised the change. “It’s amazing what you can do with kale, cacao, and a government mandate,” posted @HealingWithCrystalMoon. “They’re basically chocolate medicine.”
At press time, Skittles announced they would follow suit by changing their slogan from “Taste the Rainbow” to “Embrace the Compost.”
