Salem, Oregon — In a moving display of parental love mixed with economic nihilism, local couple Doug and Melissa Jenkins sat their 17-year-old son Caleb down Tuesday night for what they solemnly called “The American Dream Talk”—a beloved Jenkins family tradition in which hopes are dashed in PowerPoint format and reality is spoon-fed alongside herbal tea and existential dread.
“We just wanted to be honest,” Melissa said gently, sliding a manila folder labeled ‘Your Financial Future (lol)’ across the table. “Back in our day, we moved out at 18, paid $450 a month for a cute apartment with shag carpet and a working stove. These days, you’d need six jobs, a rich aunt, and a GoFundMe just to rent a condemned yurt outside Eugene.”
The presentation—projected via dusty overhead transparency for added emotional trauma—was titled “Why You’ll Be Broke Forever: A Hug in Graph Form” and included slides such as “Average Rent vs. Your Soul Leaving Your Body,” and a line chart ominously labeled “Hope (Declining),” featuring a stick figure falling down a staircase labeled ‘late-stage capitalism.’
Caleb, who until this moment believed he might one day own furniture that wasn’t inflatable, was reportedly silent throughout the talk, pausing only to Google “how much does a shed cost” and “can you Airbnb a hammock.”
When Caleb optimistically asked, “What if I move in with friends?” the room went quiet. Doug eventually responded with a single, sharp exhale through his nose and a link to a Reddit thread titled “7 People, 1 Bathroom, No Dignity.”
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“We’ve done everything we can to prepare him for adult life,” said Doug. “Taught him how to cook spaghetti, build a résumé, and emotionally detach from all dreams. It’s all in the handbook we gave him: ‘So You Want to Survive the 21st Century (With Minimal Screaming).’”
Experts agree the Jenkins family’s approach is becoming increasingly common, with many modern parents opting to pre-crush their child’s spirit in the safety of their own home, rather than letting the free market do it unexpectedly in the wild.
At press time, Caleb was seen calculating how many people it would take to split a $2,400 rent in Portland and still afford heat, landing on “roughly 13 roommates and a rotating Airbnb guest named Randy who plays the didgeridoo.”
Sources later confirmed Caleb is now considering renting a carpeted garage corner with partial insulation and one electrical outlet, ideally located behind a vape shop and within walking distance of crushing despair.
He is also exploring career options such as traveling candle influencer, part-time NPC in a VR game, or just “vibing under a bridge with a strong Wi-Fi signal.”
