In a move that shocked absolutely no one, President Donald Trump has reportedly suggested—and seemingly succeeded in—adding his face to Mount Rushmore, citing his "tremendous" accomplishments, "record-breaking presidency," and "undeniably perfect jawline." According to sources close to the president, he believes he deserves a spot among the other "lesser-known" presidents, stating, "Look, I love Washington. Great guy. Lincoln? Sure, freed the slaves—fantastic. But let's be honest, nobody had crowds like me. Nobody had rallies like me. Nobody did for America what I did for America. And people are saying—many people, very smart people, historians, the best historians—they're all saying, 'Sir, it’s time. It’s time for Mount Rushmore to get a real upgrade.'"
Trump, known for his modesty and restraint, reportedly fast-tracked the process via executive order, cutting through bureaucratic red tape like a hot knife through butter. The new carving captures his signature hairstyle, a flowing, majestic wave of stone that sculptors worked tirelessly to perfect. The furrowed brow and pursed lips reflect what White House officials have described as “the most presidential expression in American history.”
A leaked memo from the National Park Service revealed that Trump’s demands for the addition were very specific:
- His hair must be carefully sculpted to show movement, as though caught in an eternal, patriotic gust of wind.
- His face must be positioned prominently in the center, ensuring it receives the most sunlight throughout the day.
- The pout must be strong and resolute, a direct contrast to Lincoln’s contemplative gaze.
- The inscription below his carving reads: "Donald J. Trump: World's Best President. Believe Me."
Reactions have been mixed. Supporters have praised the addition as "the most beautiful, most perfect carving of all time," while critics have been left speechless, partly because they never imagined this would actually happen. Fundraisers are already in place to install a gold-plated spotlight that will shine exclusively on Trump’s face at night. There are also discussions of adding a speaker system that plays highlights from his speeches on an hourly loop.
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering an expansion of the monument to include a second Trump head on the opposite side of the mountain, "so future generations can enjoy it from both angles."
