WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OR — In a groundbreaking yet deeply unsettling discovery, scientists at Oregon State University have confirmed the spontaneous emergence of a glow-in-the-dark humanoid creature from the depths of the notoriously murky Willamette River.
According to witnesses, the creature, described as “a radioactive swamp god with a mop”, rose from the water near downtown Portland just after sunset, emitting a low gurgle and smelling vaguely of diesel, disappointment, and expired kombucha.
“We were collecting samples to study algae blooms,” said Dr. Heather Klein, lead researcher on OSU’s Aquatic Mutation Task Force, “and then this… thing just sort of crawled out, flexed, and asked if we had seen his fanny pack.”
The creature, now affectionately referred to by locals as “The Willamette Avenger,” appears to be composed entirely of microplastics, shredded Craigslist ads, goose droppings, street meth, and pure elemental rage. Initial analysis suggests it may have formed after decades of industrial runoff, energy drink residue, and illicit substances seeping into the river from Portland’s streets.
“There's definitely meth in there,” Dr. Klein confirmed. “But we’re also detecting trace elements of Adderall, glitter, Monster Energy, expired ketamine, and possibly vape juice from a mango Juul pod that time-traveled here from 2018.”
“We’re not saying it’s the result of environmental neglect,” added one EPA official, “but if you pour fast food grease, sunscreen, meth residue, and broken dreams into a river for 70 years, apparently this is what happens.”
Eyewitnesses report the creature is glow-in-the-dark, waterproof, mildly sarcastic, and impervious to both Axe body spray and Portland city ordinances. Some say it can also levitate slightly when angry and recently tried to unionize with the ducks.
Locals, however, have taken the news in stride.
“Honestly, not even top five weirdest things I’ve seen in Portland this week,” said kayak rental clerk Jeremy Vance. “I’d rather have him in the river than the paddleboard guy with the Bluetooth speaker and drum circle energy.”
State officials are still unsure what to do with the creature. “We tried calling Fish and Wildlife,” said one Portland Parks employee. “They hung up.”
For now, the Toxic Avenger lookalike has taken up residence near the Burnside Bridge, where he reportedly spends his days cleaning the river with a mop, yelling at jet skiers, and eating moss like it owes him money.
