OREGON – In a shocking turn of events that happens literally every single year, Oregonians have once again been caught completely off guard by the arrival of snow. Despite meteorologists warning of an incoming winter storm for a week, the state collectively gasped in horror when white flakes began falling from the sky, as if this were a scene straight out of a disaster movie.
The immediate aftermath? Pure chaos.
The Great Driving Crisis
Commuters took the news especially hard. Within minutes of the first snowflake touching the ground, traffic across Oregon slowed to an absolute crawl, with some drivers refusing to exceed the speed of a slow-moving Roomba. Meanwhile, others bravely attempted to drive exactly like they do in July, with results ranging from gentle fishtailing to full-blown highway pinball.
“I swear, I just tapped the brakes and suddenly I was facing oncoming traffic,” said Beaverton resident Kyle Thompson, who was later seen Googling “can you sue snow?”
Over on I-5, a Subaru Outback with a “PNW Life” sticker skidded into a ditch, while a Ford F-250, seemingly convinced that "four-wheel drive" means "immune to physics," plowed straight through a stop sign and into a Dairy Queen parking lot. "Honestly, I was just going to get a Blizzard," the driver admitted, unaware of the irony.
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Sidewalks Become Death Traps
Pedestrians fared no better. Local residents were seen shuffling across icy sidewalks with the grace of newborn deer, their arms flailing as they tried to maintain balance. "I thought my Blundstones had good traction," said a Portland resident moments before she completely vanished beneath a parked Subaru.
Meanwhile, the rare and elusive Oregonian with Yaktrax moved through the streets like a god, smugly offering unsolicited winter survival tips to the fallen.
In Eugene, a man attempted to walk his dog, only to be forcefully dragged across an intersection by his overexcited golden retriever. "At this point, I just accept that I'm a human sled," he muttered from the ground.
Grocery Stores Descend Into Madness
If you thought Black Friday was bad, try stepping into an Oregon grocery store during the first snowfall. Within hours, shelves were stripped bare of bread, milk, and an absurd amount of Tillamook cheese.
“I don’t even drink regular milk,” admitted one woman frantically tossing gallons into her cart. “But you have to buy it during a snowstorm, right? That’s the rule?”
Meanwhile, a Springfield man was seen clutching fourteen loaves of sourdough, his eyes wild with panic. "I don't know why I did this," he whispered.
Schools and Workplaces in Full Panic Mode
With just a half-inch of snow on the ground, schools across the state immediately closed for two days, citing "extreme conditions." Offices scrambled to announce remote work policies, despite the fact that everyone already works from home anyway.
One Portland tech worker, logging onto Zoom, shook his head in disbelief. “My boss just sent out an email saying the roads are ‘too dangerous’ for our fully remote team meeting. I live in my apartment.”
Meanwhile, ODOT issued a warning: "Do not drive unless absolutely necessary." This message, of course, was immediately ignored by every teenager in a lifted Tacoma, who saw the storm as an opportunity to "test out" their snow drifting skills in the nearest empty parking lot.
Final Thoughts
As the state prepares for a total meltdown (not from the snow—just emotionally), authorities remind residents that roads exist year-round and that the concept of stopping gradually on ice is, in fact, a thing. Unfortunately, history tells us that this message will be promptly forgotten by the next snowfall.
Stay safe out there, Oregon. And maybe—just maybe—invest in some damn snow tires this year.
