MORRISON, OR – Local man Jared Thompson, 34, was forced to hit the pause button for the fifteenth time last night after his wife, Emily Thompson, 32, insisted on providing a running commentary for a plot twist he hadn’t actually reached yet.
The couple had decided to settle in for a cozy movie night, but Jared’s hopes for a relaxing evening quickly unraveled as Emily began predicting, analyzing, and, ultimately, revealing every critical scene before it happened.
Sources close to the couple, namely their bored cat on the couch, confirmed that the cinematic experience took a disastrous turn when Emily gasped loudly and declared, “Oh my God, he’s the killer!” precisely 12 seconds before the big reveal.
“It’s like she thinks we’re both watching two different movies,” Jared lamented while staring at the frozen frame of a shocked protagonist who was still blissfully unaware of any killer. “I’d say something, but she’s already moved on to speculating about what happens in the sequel.”
Attempts to resume the movie proved futile, as Emily immediately launched into a detailed analysis of the main character’s childhood trauma, motivations, and the implications for the plot twist Jared hadn’t seen yet. “You know, it’s kind of obvious when you think about it,” she added helpfully. “I mean, look at the way he’s standing.”
Despite his increasingly desperate attempts to suggest that maybe they just watch the movie instead of narrating it, Jared’s pleas fell on deaf ears. “It’s like she’s the movie’s director, producer, and lead detective,” Jared sighed. “I’ve never had a murder mystery spoiled in such real-time precision.”
At one point, Jared attempted to outmaneuver his wife’s spoilers by closing his eyes and covering his ears, but he quickly discovered that Emily had switched to delivering spoilers in dramatic whispers. “You can’t escape the twist, Jared,” she whispered ominously. “It’s part of the experience.”
In a last-ditch effort to salvage their evening, Jared suggested watching a documentary, only for Emily to immediately begin speculating about the secret lives of the filmmakers.
At press time, Jared had reluctantly accepted his fate and decided to read the Wikipedia plot summary, reasoning that if he couldn’t enjoy a surprise, he might as well be prepared for the spoilers. “Maybe next time we’ll try a silent film,” he muttered, though insiders suspect Emily would find a way to narrate that, too.
