WORLDWIDE — As mysterious new viruses, natural disasters, and general chaos unfold across the globe, leading experts have announced that they are “fairly certain” this is the beginning of the End Times. Meanwhile, scientists remain adamant that it’s just another Tuesday.
“We’re seeing all the classic signs of the apocalypse,” said Dr. Harold Brinkman, a leading eschatologist and part-time doomsday prepper. “Unprecedented wildfires, politicians openly eating the rich (metaphorically, for now), and the fact that Taco Bell is charging $12 for a Crunchwrap Supreme. If this isn’t the End Times, I don’t know what is.”
However, the scientific community remains unconvinced.
“We understand that it feels like the apocalypse, but statistically, this is just how Tuesdays go,” said Dr. Linda Pearson, head of the Global Crisis Fatigue Institute. “Tuesdays have always been known for their unique ability to break the human spirit. It’s the day when your coffee tastes weak, your boss schedules a last-minute Zoom call, and the universe collectively decides to test your will to live. Honestly, the real surprise would be if the world wasn’t falling apart.”
Religious leaders have weighed in as well, with some noting the biblical significance of recent events. “We have war, famine, pestilence, and death riding through the land—classic Book of Revelation stuff,” said Pastor Greg Simmons. “That, combined with the rise of AI, means we’re clearly in the end days.” However, when asked for a timeline, Pastor Simmons clarified, “I mean, it could be tomorrow, or in 50,000 years. You never really know with these things.”
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Social media users, meanwhile, are split between panic and apathy. “I knew it,” posted @EndTimesEvie on Twitter. “The Bible said this would happen, and y’all are still acting like it’s normal. SMH.” Meanwhile, @ChillVibes420 posted, “If it’s really the end, do I still have to go to work? Asking for me.”
The stock market reacted to the news with its usual indifference, as the S&P 500 continued its trend of wildly fluctuating between gains and total collapse. Tech CEOs, seeing an opportunity, quickly pivoted to marketing new "Apocalypse-Ready" survival NFTs.
Despite the existential dread, scientists urge the public to remain calm and remind everyone that this is just another Tuesday. “If the world were actually ending, we’d see real warning signs,” Dr. Pearson reassured. “Like, I don’t know… an asteroid heading straight for us or Apple releasing a truly affordable iPhone.”
At press time, global citizens reluctantly set their alarms for Wednesday, prepared to endure yet another soul-crushing weekday—unless, of course, the world actually does end, in which case, at least they won’t have to answer emails.
