14 reasons why Oregon sucks, and you probably shouldn’t move here.

Why is Oregon the number one place to move to? I honestly have no idea, but the latest news articles want to convince you that somehow this state is paradise on Earth and the whole country is moving here in droves. I’ve lived here my whole life, and let me the first to tell you, this place is miserable and it SUCKS BIG TIME. So if you’re considering moving here, I’d reconsider. I personally can’t wait to get out of this place, it’s a real nightmare living in Oregon. You’ll probably think twice after reading my 14 reasons as to why the beaver state really isn’t all its cracked up to be.

1. Tweakers are everywhere

zombies

Ever watched an episode of Breaking Bad? This will basically be your daily life living in Oregon. The meth heads are rampant here. I grew up in a place known as Springfield, which locals like to refer to as Spunfield. If you don’t believe it’s bad here, just take a drive down main street in Springfield anytime of the week. I’m convinced the zombie apocalypse has already started right here in Oregon. If they aren’t zombies, you could’ve fooled me. The tweakers on mountain bikes especially exhibit zombie-like behavior. They love to swerve in front of you when you’re driving 40mph down the road, it’s actually pretty damn scary. Oh and if you drive a Honda here, consider it gone, because a tweaker will most definitely steal your Honda.

2. The rain never stops

Folks at HopsWork Brewery making the best of all the flooding. (Photo Credit: KATU Channel 2)
Folks at HopsWork Brewery making the best of all the flooding.
(Photo Credit: KATU Channel 2)

Theres a reason Oregon is one of the most depressing states to live in, our skies are always grey and the rain never lets up here. It’s rare you meet someone with a swimming pool. Honestly, we don’t need a pool because in reality Oregon is just a huge swimming pool. You can’t even go to work without being drenched by continuous downpours. Plus, Oregonians are crazy enough to go and do things in the rain like fishing. I’m guessing you don’t want to be wet all the time, and you’ve probably never fished in your life. Who the hell wants to sit around holding a fishing pole anyways? Sounds pretty boring right? Speaking of boring…

3. Oregon is about as fun as watching paint dry

paint
dailymail

Talk about the most Boring place to live in the world. Everything closes at 2am, and then the whole state shuts down. The only people you’ll find past 2am awake are those zombie tweakers I mentioned earlier, and crazy drunk people. Did I mention you can’t just stroll into the grocery store and buy a bottle? You’re forced to go to the liquor store to buy your favorite drink, and most of these places close by 9pm. Talk about inconvenient!  Ok, so you don’t have to drink to have fun. I get it, I’m not big on drinking either. Sorry to disappoint you, but your lifes going to suck even more here if you don’t drink because there is literally nothing to do outside meeting up at the pub and waking up to a bad decision from the night before.

4. Oregonians already hate you

scowl
giphy

Still thinking about moving to Oregon? Better think twice. In case you didn’t know it, nobody in Oregon wants you here. I know what you’re thinking, “Oregon looks like paradise! What a beautiful place to move to, it looks so peaceful and OMG the mountains!” Newsflash bitch, it’s not so pretty and everybody here already hates you. If you move here from California, Oregonians have a special kind of hate for you. Don’t ask me why that is, it just is. I can’t make this stuff up. Oregonians really don’t like people moving here, especially Californians. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who’s moved here from out of state, the years go by and they are still not accepted as true Oregonians. Imagine walking through the mall and everyone looking at you like you just banged their wife. Oregonians can literally smell a transplant a mile away, you’ll be lucky to survive 6 months here.

5. Deadly earthquakes

yournewswire
yournewswire

If you love your life, you might as well forget about moving to Oregon, because you’re probably going to die. If you haven’t read the latest, according to every news source the “big one” is definitely coming very soon, and 3.97 million Oregonians are most likely all going to perish any day now. Hope you can swim, I hear the Pacific Ocean gets pretty cold too.

6. You’ll wait forever for someone else to pump your gas

pumping

Oh you have an important business meeting to attend to? Well you better let them know to start without you, because on any given day you can expect to wait at least 2 hours just for someone to come pump gas into that fancy car of yours. That’s right, Oregon doesn’t trust you enough to pump your own gas. In our state Fuel Attendant Professionals handle this for you. Since we are talking about your fancy car, you can forget about that whole car wash thing. The weather is so bad here it’ll constantly be muddy and getting dented by hail the size of golf balls. There’s literally hail everyday, and it’s actually pretty dangerous sometimes. Worst case scenario you get killed by hail, best case your fancy car gets ruined by hail when you move to Oregon.

7. Devils lettuce everywhere

reefer

Unless you’ve been living in a cave, then you’re probably aware that Oregon recently legalized marijuana for recreational use. That’s right, the devil’s lettuce is everywhere in Oregon. Hide your kids, hide you grandma, because marijuana will literally suck your soul and destroy everything and everyone you love.

marijuana

If you’re not afraid of this plant, move to Oregon and you will see with your own two eyes just how destructive it’s been to our once charming communities. Oregon was once a nice, charming place to live until the evil marijuana plants took over. You’ve been warned.

8. Everybody in Oregon drives really slow

grandma

Speaking of grandmas, not only do Oregonians drive slower than your 90 year old grandma, but they don’t know how to drive at all. They don’t know how to merge, and they love to drive 50mph in the fast lane. It’s almost like they do it intentionally, they know you have somewhere to go in a hurry, but they are laughing while they make sure you can’t pass them.

9. Everyone here is all all earthy and shit

hippie
giphy

Seriously, dirty hippies everywhere. The 60s never died in Oregon. The other day I bought a $12 smoothie in Eugene for lunch. It was green like slime, all earthy and shit. I literally drank a whole garden in a cup, and there’s just something really weird about that. My body was super confused, like I was full but my belly didn’t ache. Trust me, this was not a good experience. All this hippity dippity healthy nonsense. Who eats their meal in a smoothie? What the hell does gluten free even mean? Not to mention all these Oregon hippies smell like patchouli oil. If you’re not a fan of patchouli oil, then you’ll probably be disgusted when you move here, because this nasty stench is everywhere you go.

10. Everyone in Oregon is obsessed with nature

tacos

Face it, nature sucks. Who the hell in their right mind would want to sleep on on the dirt? It’s cold, it’s bumpy, and instead of sleeping in your warm bed at home you’ll be sleeping in some creepy forest with creatures lurking in the night. If you don’t like camping, well all your new Oregon buddies will, and let’s just be honest here — Oregon is definitely not for you. Oregonians have lost their minds, they all love to do “fun” activities outdoors, like hiking, and rock climbing.

Why would anybody go climb a rock? Also, you could easily get eaten by a mountain lion while camping in Oregon. Mountain lions aren’t only wild in our forests, they run the streets here. If you come to Oregon and the big quake doesn’t kill you, a mountain lion will most likely eat you.

11. Thugs everywhere

John_the_Wigger

Mountain lions aren’t the only animals running the streets in Oregon. I got two words for you. White boys. You think you’re hard? You haven’t seen nothin’ yet til you come to Oregon. These white boys here don’t mess around, if a mountain lion doesn’t eat you you’ll most likely get robbed and left for dead by some white gangstas in the hardest suburbs of Oregon.

12. You’ll probably end up homeless

800px-Whoville_Homeless_Camp_(Eugene,_Oregon)
wikimedia

Let’s face it, jobs in Oregon are scarce. And if there are jobs, they are already taken. So when you move here, prepare to figure out where you can pitch a tent because your ass is most likely going to end up on the streets. I said tent because people here live in tents wherever they please. We literally have camps all over towns like Eugene. We’ve already established how much camping sucks in the woods, but imagine camping next to homeless heroin junkies. That will probably be you if you move here, sleeping next to junkies. So you should probably invest in a good tent before you come to Oregon.

13. Everyone here is just nuts

jack

Not only are there freaks everywhere, but its a known fact in Oregon they cut funding to all the mental homes back in the day, so as a result there are just crazy people roaming the streets everywhere you go here. You ever seen that movie One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest starring Jack Nicholson? I bet you didn’t know they filmed that here in Salem. All those crazy people that used to be in the loony bin now just roam the streets of Oregon. Just think about it for a minute. Crazy people. Crazy people everywhere.




14. You don’t have a shot in hell with an Oregon girl

girl
huntworthgear

That’s cute, you use moisturizer to keep your skin nice and healthy. Just a heads up pretty boy, Oregon girls will skin you alive.  They like to hunt wild animals, catch fish, and some of them even chew tobacco. I once knew an Oregon girl who killed a grizzly bear with her bare hands. If you do none of these things, well sorry slick you just don’t have what it takes to impress an Oregon girl. Oregon girls aren’t like the girls you know back home. Oregon girls like men who get dirty and stuff, and I’m betting your hands are softer than a baby’s butt. To put it simply, Oregon girls are just too badass for you.

Still want to move to Oregon? Don’t say I didn’t warn you, this place is truly the worst place you could ever move to. I know what you’re thinking, oh this article only applies to the west side of Oregon. Well sure, you could move to Eastern Oregon. But just so you know Eastern Oregon is really just one big desert. You think Oregonians are crazy in the west? Ever seen that movie The Hills Have Eyes? You won’t need to worry as much about the meth heads in Eastern Oregon, you’ll come face to face with real life cannibals, just like in that creepy movie. Again you’re just a transplant here, so if a cannibal doesn’t eat you some crazy inbred person will probably wear your skin for decoration before they bury you in the middle of the hot desert.

Kurios in Portland
  • Dawn Panda

    Love it! You missed one though…Oregonians don’t care what their neighbors think of their yards. If you buy a nice house, it’ll be right next door to some guy with 37 old cars, 3 decrepit trailers and piles of rusted metal right in the front yard. Just ask my neighbor about that… 😉

    • germany

      can confirm, I am that neighbor

      • Roxene Kimes

        really? I thought that was MY stuff!

      • Verena StDenis

        If you are german too. Oregon is home. Feels like I’m back in Germany but more freedom and near to the ocean.

    • David Hay

      This is exactly how I like it. Fuck yo yard.

    • Marlene Duke

      If you have all beautiful yards etc then you have high property taxes. If you are not planning to sell then you should be thankful for that neighbor who has the trashy house. They bring down the values which in turn brings down the taxes.

    • Loyd Christmas
    • Stefanie Lynn

      This sounds more like Kansas. Lol… and we are the ones that everyone hates cause we live in an old trailer house from early 70’s and we are always called on because of our yard. We dont care what the neighbors think, we comply some just to not get fined by the city. But then our main scorce of transpertation is hearse. We have 2 of them. So we get a lot of looks anyway. It sucks that people are hated for moving there. In 6 years we may be. My dad lives in Washington State. But I really dont wanna move to Washington. Dont get me wrong, I love the State. And people are nice to your face if your visiting. But to live there… the Seattle Freeze is real. And as a teen I really could have used some friends. But there just wernt any that would be. So ya… not reliving that again.. not even at 44, or in 6 years from now at 50/51 years of age. However, we plan on bringing our home with us. We will be RVing. Ive done it before.
      RVing is harder in Kansas though. With the extreme heat, and extreme cold, and ice storms and tornados… it makes it quite challenging….

      • Mike

        RIGHT,RIGHT,AWESOME,AWESOME,RIGHT,RIGHT,AWESOME

        • Mike

          You forgot to mention that Oregon must be the Down Syndrome capital of the world!!! Really have you seen these people?!?! They all have that look about them and are just as intelligent.

    • Charles

      I’m an Oregon native. Were you blind folded when you bought that house, really! Oregonians aren’t like Californians who are all about keeping up with the Jones. You can’t tell a book by its cover, get to know your neighbors you might just find out they are great people, if you can get your arrogant nose out of the air.

  • Erica

    Omg haha haha!!! Nailed it! I’m a native and hate it here!

  • LJC

    We had a great time there. Mr. California.)

  • Andrew Katsetos

    Hilariously true…<3 I lasted 8 yrs in Salem and the 10 months of overcast skies did me in….

    • Liam Cole

      Ten months out of 8 years ? Not so bad.

  • AuntieRose

    Reminds me of the Oregon ungreeting cards. “People in Oregon don’t tan; they rust!”

  • Mike Rainbow

    Welcome to Oregon. Come on Vacation, Leave on Probation.

  • AnonymouseIsAWoman

    The number one reason to not move to Oregon or to get the hell out is that the state has been completely Kalifornikated.

    • glitterock

      People never think about how many have flocked to CA in the past 60 years. Do you know how rare it is to come across a true native Californian? I’m a native Californian and once got turned around in downtown San Francisco and all the people I asked directions from (about 12), NO ONE SPOKE ENGLISH. They were all from other countries. It’s very possible that people who move to Oregon may have moved from California but are not native. And not to worry, I’m not out to take anyone’s job, I’m retired.

      • AnonymouseIsAWoman

        I know. I really, really, really feel for the native Californians. I’ve known a few, including descendants of Gold Rush settlers, native tribes, and Californios. They miss their state, just like I miss Oregon.

        • Zeke

          As a native Californian I can never go home again. I grew up in John Steinbeck’s sleepy, quirky, dusty, laid back California. Then the East Coasters began to arrive. They were all gonna be movie stars or something. My California got “improved” out of existence. It doesn’t exist anymore. So I fled to Oregon, but now those same morons are coming to Oregon and “improving” it too. Soon the Oregon of the 20th century will be completely obliterated. I don’t blame native Oregonians for being bitter.

          • “My California got “improved” out of existence. It doesn’t exist anymore. ”

            its still where i live 🙂

          • AnonymouseIsAWoman

            Not it isn’t. No open carry; new “wilderness areas” where hunting is forbidden but moronic yuppies who let their animals chase and kill the wildlife abound, etc.

          • my reply was to “zeke” who said their california got “improved out of existence”… but here in northern california (you know up by the oregon border) it is very rural and beautiful still, and we work hard to maintain that!

            and some people do kill animals here, but i am not interested in eating at the top of the food chain or carrying a weapon since it is (thankfully) not necessary.

            our community is safe and beautiful… but i dont like to advertise that, as we already have plenty of folks here already.

          • Zeke

            A perfect example of what I was talking about. My father came to CA in 1930 and worked as a cowboy in the Sierras. He hunted bear on horseback with hounds. He often carried a pistol on his belt.

            Tofu? Really?

          • i have a soy allergy so eschew tofu… but do eat a very healthy, low glycemic, plant based diet.

            there are 7.4 billion people in the world now (thats about 5 billion more than in 1930) – and we add 1,000,000 more human animals every 4.5 days (while breeding is a taboo subject)… so of course “the good old days” are by necessity different now.

            thats the problem with trying to have unlimited growth on a finite planet… it doesnt work well, as per capita net resources decline. but, as to the quality of life here in northern california… it is fine and wonderful!

          • Zeke

            Of course it is…for you. Please stay where you are. You’ve done enough damage. Let’s try to confine it to CA, which is now irretrievably defiled.

          • I have no intention of moving. I love it here… and after 35 years im here for the duration… We don’t even lock or doors, so no need for fire arms! 🙂

          • Aaron Freeman

            Try further south, like Sacramento and San Joaquin Counties… damn libtards have economically destroyed the state! I want to come home, but I’m not, until civil war starts…

          • “damn libtards have economically destroyed the state”

            sure, blaming “them” is always popular, but you miss the issue of LTG which is math and science, not political.

            http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/02/limits-to-growth-was-right-new-research-shows-were-nearing-collapse?CMP=fb_gu https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c0c6c5b1e615837194551e31dc1b4cbe52a2a72fd34eb3c4f6b631289aeb08e0.jpg

          • Aaron Freeman

            I hate to tell you, but the Guardian is also a libtard rag… it often misrepresents the facts, just to advance a regressive socialist agenda. If you choose to buy into this lie, then you’re part of the problem. I’m sure friends of mine in your neck of the woods, would love to meet with you.

          • Deborah Irwin Seidel

            Northern CA & Southern Oregon are polar opposites of our states counterparts…LOVE N. CA & S. OR…

          • AnonymouseIsAWoman

            Amen.

          • awomen too 🙂

          • Aaron Freeman

            Nor do I… my California was stolen from me, as well…

        • Aaron Freeman

          I guess I could be considered a Californio… my family was there before Guadalupe Hidalgo, so I guess so…

      • Dawn Panda

        It really doesn’t have anything to do with jobs. It’s the rampant legislation (I’m pretty sure the state song of CA is “There Ought to be a Law”) and the inability to mind one’s own business.

        • AnonymouseIsAWoman

          Yeah, and the reason I can’t go home to the Pacific Northwest is it is seriously Kalifornikated. Laws against anything pleasurable, laws against everything that frightens or offends Mrs. Grundy.

        • Aaron Freeman

          Actually, us Native Californians tend to mind our own business; it was the influx of libtard transplants, that ruined our state… the same libtards that are coming here, and ruining Oregon!

          • Zeke

            Exactly! Stay where you are ShastaTodd, please!

  • Nelly Hernandez

    Sounds like this person hasn’t lived anywhere but near the coast. I live in Central Oregon and have never experienced any of the complaints this author illustrated other than the nature. Hell I’m in a program of Engineering that’s about Green Energy. Of course we love nature.

    • AnonymouseIsAWoman

      I don’t know. I’ve met some rather fierce Central Oregon women who thought that the things running around in the woods were known as venison, and that a .257 Roberts was still a fine ladies gun. Nothing like meeting young women who received engraved .12 ga shotguns for their 18th birthday from Mom and Dad. Actually, it works for me. Those aren’t cattle, those are beeves.

      • Nelly Hernandez

        That one was also an exception, sorry didn’t mention it. I know many hunters here too, but it hardly rains here in Central Oregon and the weather can be pretty dry compared to the coast. I love it here because of all the things you can do outdoors. White water rafting is the best.

    • Lynn Maxfield Falconer

      I grew up near the coast, he ain’t talking about there either.

      • Beedogz

        He ain’t?

  • EveryDayGuy

    As far as driving goes, why does half the populace swing their car far left before turning right? That’s full blown retard.

    • Seer7

      They must be retired 18 wheeler drivers,,,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk!

      • Lynn Maxfield Falconer

        My husband is a truck driver, I drive when he is home, he does this all the time

    • Zeke

      Worse yet, they slow to 10 mph a mile before they make that right turn.

    • Daniel Brown

      No, fill blown retard are all the idiots who have no concept of making a radius turn, even in double turn lanes.. where there are even dotted lines to guide you. People still try to make a bee-line then have to make the last moment sharp turn to keep from going into the other lane.

      • Felicia may

        Better than the others when turning almost hit the person on the oncoming turn lane because they think they can cut corners.

    • AdirondackAnnie

      There are people who do that everywhere. I live in the Adirondacks in NY State (almost at the Canadian border-in a small town) and I see that here too. We have been invaded by people from NY City and hate them as much as you do the Cal. people you speak about. They have different values than we do and call us woodchucks, but we have a name for them too-citidiots.. They tell us they love it so much here and then they want to change everything when they move here,

  • Truth InLove316

    Oregonians can immediately detect Californians. CA people say PG & E. Pacific Gas and Electric. Oregon has a different company for electricity. It is called PGE. Portland General Electric.

    • Marlene Duke

      I like how you said “Oregon has a different company for electricity. Its called PGE. Portland General Electric”.

      Not all of Oregon is Portland.

      • Mauvais Garcon

        Except on election day…the PDX decides for us all.

        • SecludedCompound

          Lulz, yes, the majority of the population does decide things in a representative democracy! WHAAAAAAAAAAH.

          • Aaron Freeman

            This is the reason why, the Electoral College exists; to give a voice to the rest of the country…

      • Aaron Freeman

        Very true! Oregon hates Portland! That much is a given!

      • Kelly Sherwood

        Salem is the Capital, that has to be a thorn in portlands eye, and before PGE was Salem Electric.

    • Aaron Freeman

      My dad retired from PG&E. I caught that one, quickly!

    • Mark Schultz

      you missed another one. Oregon is full of child molesters. Let’s castrate them

  • Ben Dial

    The only thing I think is inaccurate is the hail thing. I’ve never seen hail larger than tiny pebbles (Salem area). you come here from California though, you’re getting the cold shoulder for sure.

    • Trixie Jones

      I had golf ball sized hail destroy my Range Rover in Bend. Insurance actually totaled it out – that’s how bad the hail was.

      • Mauvais Garcon

        If that was the storm I remember Lancair had a bunch of planes trashed sitting on the ramp at the factory as well. My hottub cover looked like Swiss cheese.

    • farmersdaughter

      The other 4/5th of the state gets large hail. It destroys crops…..

    • Aaron Freeman

      It hasn’t been that bad for me in Salem. And, my wife and I live near Lancaster Mall. I chalk it up to ignorance on the native’s part. Not my fault that you’re incapable of adapting to change.

  • Brett Eichenberger

    Thanks Tyler…it’s about time someone publish an article about true life in Oregon…thanks for your help in educating the folks….Welcome to Oregon…please go home!

    • Verena StDenis

      Not gonna happen all thinks on the list is what I like. So I will stay but everybody else can go. Lol

  • OregonGirl1

    The author of this is so ignorant. How have you managed life all of these years? Yes, there are meth heads (not nearly as bad as the author made it sound), and the West rains alot but they have beautiful days during the summer. The east is desert and it has beautiful days pretty much always. Marijuana isn’t changing anything cause people did it anyway. As far as gas? Maybe in the cities (Portland?) I personally have never waited for more than 5, MAYBE 10, minutes. There are significantly less hippies on the east side and we probably have the same amount of cannibals as any other state, definitely never met one. the city girls are not that hard, Sure, there may be a few but it’s not a common thing, though we would prefer you to be able to get dirty. Now let’s talk about the times things close. There are plenty of places where things close super early. I’ve been at a bar (outside Oregon) that closed at 11 and everything that wasn’t a bar closed at 5! Talk about inconvenient! You can buy beer in gas stations and grocery stores but have to go to the liquor store for hard alcohol, which is a step up from where I live now where you have to go to the liquor store for EVERYTHING. Basically what I’m telling you is that the author pretty much outright lied to you about most of this and it seems that they have never left the state, if not their local area. But really, we are less accepting of you if you’re not an Oregonian. ***note to author*** shut your mouth if you don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop telling lies and travel a bit, perhaps it’ll help your narrow mind…?

    • David Hay

      Do you think that maybe you take yourself way too fucking seriously? Consider it.

      • Autumn Brook

        Perfect.

      • OregonGirl1

        Have you ever considered the fact that you should go fuck yourself? Consider it.

        • Beedogz

          Perhaps YOU need to get laid? So hostile and have the cognitive skills of a doorknob. LOL – you think the author was writing a SERIOUS article! Too funny!

      • Lawrence Jackson

        I think she may have been born in that state to the south, of which we do not speak.

    • Autumn Brook

      Uhhhh yeah…think she missed the point, folks? May I present reason #15!

    • HughJaynis

      And I see you took this a a serious article and not a satire………….That’s amusing.

    • Allan Erickson

      too many head strikes from all the hail…

    • Seer7

      I was thinking if Oregon is so terrible and the author hates it , why does he still live there?

      • Suzanne Castillo Devlin

        Like Zeke said, satire is lost here. Hey, it’s a joke! Funny too. Loved it.

    • Zeke

      Apparently satire is lost on you.

      • OregonGirl1

        perhaps

        • Beedogz

          Not perhaps. “Like totally”.

    • Daniel Brown

      It’s called “sarcasm”, you might want to look it up and learn what it is… and also sometimes it’s used, god forbid, as *humor*!

    • Brandon Grandorff

      So are you saying maybe I have a chance with an oregon girl!!??

      • Beedogz

        Only the ditzy ones like OregonGirl1 that can’t even understand clear satire.

    • Suzanne Castillo Devlin

      It’s a joke. Bad mouth Oregon with lies and gazillions of people will stop moving here. Get it?

    • Tina Allen

      I think your missing the whole point of the story oregongirl1.. he’s not being serious lol he’s simply explaining why Californians shouldn’t move here because so many have already! Basically making fun?! you did take it a little to seriously and then had to act immature when called out on it!

      • navydave

        Well Oregon would be a better place if we could move Washington between us and Californiana. It would help filter some the crazies out.

    • Tere Mohr

      What a dits! Do you not recognize this article for what it is? Tongue and Cheek. Humorous satire?

      • Aaron Freeman

        It’s spelled “D-I-T-Z”…

        • Zeke

          And it’s “tongue-in-cheek”, not “tongue and cheek”.

          • Aaron Freeman

            I know what “satire” is… I’m not some illiterate Oregon Ducks fan… the point of the response, was to correct his spelling of the word, “ditz”… hence the hyphens. Geez, talk about no humour!

          • Zeke

            And I was correcting his corruption of the expression “tongue-in-cheek”. Not meant as a criticism of anything you said.

          • Aaron Freeman

            I know…

    • janet2001

      You understand it was a joke, right?

    • Beedogz

      Ever heard of sarcasm or satire??? How about convincing CA folks to stay in CA? LOL!

      • Aaron Freeman

        Only if the transplants would just go back from whence they came, I’d willingly go back… I’ve never seen so many clos3d minded people in one place, at one time; well, that’s Portland for ya!

  • Loredana Lascurain

    This has to be the funniest articles like this I’ve read!!! bahahahah

  • Autumn Brook

    This is no joke, I literally just spit out my chew to enjoy the smoothie I was drinking while reading this. Nailed it!

  • CRYSTALLL

    I live in oregon ???? Most of this isn’t true

    • Beedogz

      Satire.

  • CRYSTALLL

    But honestly idgaf

  • Robert Bennett

    Oregon would be a great place to live, if we could only get rid of the mail-in ballot.

  • Shannon Hill

    Maybe the problem is that you’ve lived here ‘your whole life’ and you have nothing to compare it to! And nothing to do? Seriously? You sound so ungrateful, there is so much to do all over this beautiful state. And if you did live here, you’d know that it only rains Dec – April. ? Hoping this article was a spoof! ?

  • DCobeen

    i know several who live in Or and sounds like you just think the world is perfect. Where I grew up sissies didnt survive either. As for MJ well it cures allot of things and helps allot who dont want pharmacy drugs that dont cure anything. Sounds like you are the type of person to kill themselves cause if you cant find the positive in things you are lost already.

    • Beedogz

      You are lost too. SATIRE!

  • Kay McCullen

    Ok. So glad it’s not just me! My one weekend in Portland was the most surreal 2 days of my life. And I was living in Seattle! Taking the train was cool. But everything after…just bizarre. Seattle haters and poorly dressed lesbian vegans with home-brew ran rampant. (I assumed lesbian because several hit on me. Perhaps it was polymorphism?) Oh wait!! I did learn how to grill a portobello mushroom! Woot! Thank you so much, Oregon!

    • Deborah Lanier

      SO glad you went home.

      • Kay McCullen

        No worries! Haven’t been back

        • SecludedCompound

          Eh, we’d probably actually trade you for ten of them, they’re all from NY and CA, and they all suck ass to be around, so meh.

    • Lynn Maxfield Falconer

      I’m from OR originally but not Portland area, now in WA but not Seattle area. Having been in both cities they both suck equally. Either state, pick a small town, No not 10,000 population that is big, around 1000-1500 population is great.

      • Loyd Christmas

        Beat it Lynn!

      • Rachael Moyer

        I live in a city in WA that has around 1000 people, think less than that actually. Love it here but the tourists, my god I hate them. We get people from California, Oregon and a few other states that come here and drive SR14 going 35. SPD limit is 50/55 depending on where at on SR14 you’re at. I rage so hard at these people. I hate having to drive I-84/I-205/I-5 because almost everyone who is driving them has gone full metal stupid. It is why I do my grocery shopping once a month. I can’t stand the stupidity of Oregon traffic.

    • Ginger Coolidge

      Clearly you’re not getting the joke.

      • Loyd Christmas

        👍🏿

  • cyberjnke .

    Oregon. “Where men are men and so are half the women.”

  • Graham Wilkins

    Being a displaced Oregon Native I must admit I loved this Parody and found 99-100% of this to be actually quite factual, good Job. Still gotta love them DUCKS!

    • Lynn Maxfield Falconer

      As a displaced Oregon native I just gotta say Love Those Beavers! I am originally from what most would consider the Salem area, Polk County, screw The Ducks!

      • Graham Wilkins

        I also went to Corvallis and most of my relatives. But I like watching winning teams play.

      • Zeke

        I think that would be illegal in most states, but maybe not Oregon.

    • Aaron Freeman

      U of D’Oh blows… why do you support a 5th rate, regional 5 yr Jr College? If you say you only support the athletic programme, you give tacit support to the University; where do you think the proceeds from merchandising go? Phil Knight?!?! Not all of them!

      • Graham Wilkins

        Aaron sounds like a personal problem after reading about your job application being turned down. see it really is true. Oregon sucks and if all the haters moved out and they transferred Portland to Washington, I would probably move back.

  • luna

    I also lived in Springfield Oregon, how funny. And my family still live there to this day. My mom moved to Idaho because she got depressed with the lack of sun. And it’s true what they say about all the tweekers. I live in California now tho.. where I lived most my life… I like to visit family in Springfield, but not live there….

  • Travis1989

    Tyler James, This story is just hateful.. most of the crap you’re spewing about my state is ridiculous.. refer madness.. what the hell is that is this the 60’s?.. yes we legalized weed.. but news flash dork.. people all over 50 states an most of the world smoke pot.. you nitwit.. And Oregonians are one of the most accepting states there is.. we dont care if ur from california.. as long as u treat us with respect .. yes there alot of tweakers.. but meth is all over the place.. not just oregon..

    • janet2001

      Satire, my friend.

    • Beedogz

      Put down the bong and Google “satire”.

    • navydave

      Our little town 2 liquor stores 14 pot shops. Now tell me this sounds normal? And sweet Jesus why can’t I buy a beer at the sametime I buy a bottle of Black Jack,? Whats with the junk yard on 18 spilling into the highway right of way. In my home state we would beat you like a seal pup to that shit.

  • Mike Rota

    I love Oregon. I moved to OR from AZ from MI. Living back in MI now but want to move back to OR. The Tweakers thing is correct but the rain is only in the winter. During the summer it’s dry as a desert. The Gas thing is correct as far as the girl thing that is incorrect. This article is only partially correct. Estacada is the best place to live in all of Oregon!

    • Lynn Maxfield Falconer

      You forgot that the rain falls from late September until early May. Gas thing not correct anywhere I’ve been except Salem. And Tweekers are everywhere, all states.

      • Aaron Freeman

        Depends on where you are in Salem. The Space Age on Lancaster takes less than 5 minutes; less if there are fewer customers…

    • AnonymouseIsAWoman

      Haven’t been to Estacada lately, have you?

      • Mike Rota

        My daughters still live there.

    • Zeke

      We have had 10 days of sunshine since Thanksgiving.

  • JW

    I have lived here all my life (I am almost 59) except for 9 years of it which was in Cali (loved the sun) but moved back to be with my family due to a divorce – so many people are moving here now from all over the United states and I hate it – I live in a small town outside of Portland – the traffic sucks and is getting worse everyday, I go the grocery store – you can tell the transplants everyone is so crabby and uptight – the small town mentality is gone so so sad – I just wish people would come to visit and not stay

    • Kevin Larson

      JW – if you have lived here all that time you remember the name Tom MaCall (Governor back in 1967 – 1975). He shared many of your views and values. I lived in PDX until 2010 – moved to south Central Oregon (no, not Bend/Sunriver) – farther south. There is small town mentality here, but accepting of Oregonians escaping the rat-race of ultra-liberal PDX metro. Yes, Oregon is alive and well outside of the “Rain-shadow” in the more beautiful 4/5ths of the state… 😉

      • JW

        Thanks Kev my feelings exactly and yes I do remember Tom McCall 🙂

    • Markee Marquis

      I hate it too. The migrant rate to Portland Metro area in 2015 was 40,621 http://www.oregonmetro.gov/news/portland-region-nears-24-million-residents-growing-41000-last-year. That’s almost the same number as number of babies born that year which is 46,102 https://public.health.oregon.gov/BirthDeathCertificates/VitalStatistics/birth/Documents/2015/facilmonth15_rev.pdf. I think the tards in the government should change the Oregon resident requirement from 0 time, as it is now to at least 6 months as most other states have. The ease with which just walking over the border and claiming right to residence probably attracts more people, and even the homeless as they can claim instant resident rights and welfare. I know because I am a disabled quadriplegic who did this same and got instant Medicaid. I came here for the death with dignity act and found out I didn’t qualify. However, this state ranks #one in eldercare and I have found great comfort in living in a foster home here, which I didn’t know existed, having lived in nursing homes in Cali for 9 years previous 🙂 The ease to come for death with dignity is awesome, but they should change residency requirements for all others, seriously!

  • Mr.x

    HAHAHA, Please write about your inbred kin folk up here in Washington as well, our bears are coming out of hibernation and are quite partial to them soft shelled Southern Cal tacos! 😉
    Thanks for the laugh! 🙂

    • Lynn Maxfield Falconer

      As an Oregon native now living in WA I agree. Been in WA 25+ years, same town too, but I am still an outsider here. Went back to OR hometown, very small, was treated as outsider until they heard my last name. We are well known, some for good, some for bad.

      • AnonymouseIsAWoman

        I was born in Washington state and grew up there and in Oregon (WA territorial pioneer stock.). I can’t go back because it is also Kalifornikated out of existence with PC laws designed to make fools feel prosperous and safe and prevent their ever being offended.
        I could NOT believe how stupid some people are. The old SRO hotels, which used to have rooms from $5 a night and so on in both Portland and Seattle have been torn down, and now yuppies rent rooms about the same size, albeit with pickup camper size private bathrooms for $1500 a month and feel like they are both getting a major bargain and helping the environment. They haven’t noticed that Nicky and Bill, environmental advocates par excellence, live in enormous houses on estates. It’s just a way to sucker the working people into willingly living like third world peasants and receiving the same pay scale. I’m also amused by the “container houses.” People have been living in shipping containers in China for years, and it is considered a major outrage by government that they haven’t received real housing instead of shipping containers with a power drop. Next up, the recycled concrete pipe house, the sort of large sewer pipe sections that Japanese bourikon are forced to live in.

      • Gabriel Hazeem

        I need to get my ass up the in WA. Portland natives here, but god damnit has this city gone to shit

        • cathy

          Washington’s the best place if you don’t mind a jackass governor who wants a state income tax on top of our high sales tax. He also is adding a Carbon tax the people already vote down. So if big government in your business is what you crave Washinton is for you.

          • Gabriel Hazeem

            With state gov it’s sorta like, pick your poison. Also locality is a factor with my own eventual Portland Exodus. Im still researching where to live. This country really does suck ass. Most the best places are swarming with people

          • Markee Marquis

            Speaking of TARDS, our state governor has at the top of her home page “she oregons first bisexual governor”–Learn some PR, BITCH–i really prefer not to have your bedroom habits shoved in my face when I visited there hoping to find a respectable person to help me ! Nothing at all wrong with LGBT, but where’d you learn PR? Hipster Dipster campus ? Even if your straight i don’t care bout yer sex affiliation.

          • Loyd Christmas

            Lol! It’s a reckoning…

        • cathy

          forgot the best part our Governor and mayors love to instigate riots and protest. You have rights as long as you aren’t a hard working tax payer.

          • Markee Marquis

            HAHAHA !!!! IKR? Who invented “Don’t be a hater !”(WAHWAHWAH) and now look at those jackasses!!!!

        • I lived in Astoria all my life and did a

  • PetePatriot

    Have visited Oregon several times over the years and even lived there for a few months. How much does it rain? Back in the day, everyone went to work wearing a trench coat and carrying an umbrella whether it was raining or not because they knew it would. While living there, I got so sick of the rain that I hitchhiked all the way back to Boston. It always smells like damp forest.

    Whatever the weather is doing, it can change in no time. Went out for a wedding a few years ago in August. I woke up to 50 degree weather and by afternoon it was in the 90s.

    Oregon has gotten more and more crunchy granola over the years. It is as if the the whole place is one big hairy female armpit. Imagine the dippiest part of Cambridge MA transplanted to the west coast. Everyone has a bike rack or a kayak rack on the roof of his car. Even the strippers wear Birkenstocks. The super rich drive hybrids or electric cars.

    There were a lot of rugged individualists there 45 years ago, but now they are all collectivists who recycle. There used to be a big sign in downtown Portland that said, “Jesus Saves.” Now they all worship the Earth.

    They stage massive bicycle protests that block traffic because they think cars should be banned and everyone should ride a bicycle. They want Portland to look like Maoist China before they took the capitalist road.

    • Suzanne Castillo Devlin

      I’m glad you don’t live here anymore. Oh, by the way, my husband is from Boston and he loves it here.

      • PetePatriot

        Obviously, I hit a nerve since you don’t deny anything I wrote, and I’m glad I don’t live there anymore either. That way, I won’t run the risk of meeting you. Besides, I have moved to a state with a warm climate and no state income tax. Hopefully, your children won’t decide to have you euthanized when you grow old. Have fun riding your bike in the rain!

        • Suzanne Castillo Devlin

          Clearly, you know nothing about Oregon. I’ve lived her for 25 years and most people don’t even use umbrellas and I could count on one hand, the number of times I’ve seen an authentic trench coat worn by anyone in Oregon. Granted I don’t live in Portland but while umbrellas are used, it’s not by the majority of Oregonians. But, who really cares? Not me.

          Just so you know, and you can Google it, Oregon had the biggest influx of people moving into our gorgeous state then any other state in the country last year.

          These states have far more rain then Oregon: Hawaii, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Tennessee, Georgia, Arkansas, Connecticut and N. Carolina tie for the top states for rain. Massachusetts has an average rainfall of 44 inches. Oregon: 37 but these states have far more rain then Oregon. It does rain here in Oregon and one reason why we live in such a beautiful state.

          1 Hawaii

          2 Louisiana

          3 Mississippi

          4 Alabama

          5 Florida

          6 Tennessee

          7 Georgia

          8 Arkansas

          9 Connecticut & North Carolina (tie)

          10 South Carolina

          So you have an issue with people being outside bike riding, kayaking, hiking? Really? Why? Probably because you’re not in shape. First you criticize Oregonians for being outdoorsy then you contradict yourself saying Oregonians were rugged 45 years ago. Which is it?

          Wow, you’re painfully ignorant about Oregon. It’s one of the most beautiful states in the country and it’s that way because we’ve protected it from people like you who have no respect for Mother Nature and are basically just nasty and unhappy.

          And yes, we on The Left Coast like to practice our First Amendment Rights. Got a problem with it? Tough.

          I’ll bet you’re a Trump or Cruz supporter: mean, less then truthful and not “wicked smaht”. While you are entitled to your own opinion, you’re not entitled to your own facts.

          • Aaron Freeman

            Beats being a regressive Portland Socialist! And, your idea of free speech, it would seem, is to allow only your speech, and censor all you don’t like… so yes, he WAS spot on! And this is coming from someone who has lived in the Pornland area!

          • sydney elliott

            I agree, just because he is against fitness hiking and camping doesnt make oregon a bad place I am 12 and have lived here my whole life and I love it! Just because we love nature doesnt mean oregon sucks it means its awesome

          • navydave

            Live on the coast much??????

          • I lived in Seaside and Astoria OR for 10 years and it’s so miserable that God even left the area!

        • Beedogz

          Portland and Salem are liberal hellholes of “do as I say”.
          Try smaller towns.

    • farmersdaughter

      And don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Be sure to tell your friends how horrible Oregon is, and don’t come back now, hear?

    • Cyn Davis

      ROFL @ ” It is as if the the whole place is one big hairy female armpit.” & “Even the strippers wear Birkenstocks.”

    • Heather Scott-Penselin

      You must not have worked with Oregonians – we don’t use umbrellas for a mere stroll into and out of work – they are reserved for when you are stuck outside watching a sporting event for an hour or more.

      • tasia

        Truth. First question anyone using an umbrella on the street hears: “So, where ya from?”

      • Terry Slyter

        No self respecting Oregonian carries an umbrella.

        • Heather Scott-Penselin

          The only reason I got one was for my daughter’s soccer games- to keep a pool of water from building up on my chair (plus it was a very pretty umbrella), haven’t used it since she stopped playing soccer 14 years ago.

  • Larry J. Humphrey

    Come live in Oregon if you want to give up all Hope of ever achieving contentment, serenity or peace within one’s soul and mind? and don’t mind living in a climate that saps your youth and ages you years before your time; Come on then?”

  • Kathleen Greenhaw

    Half of these are completely untrue. The other half are exaggerations.

    • Beedogz

      Ever heard of satire? Google it.

  • AnonymouseIsAWoman

    Don’t forget the choking smug from the Kalifornians who think everyone else is destroying the planet.

  • Christy

    Though some things are a little exaggerated there is a lot of truth to this article. My family has lived in the same house for over 40 years and my mom grew up about a block away before that it used to be in a nice neighborhood now other than 1 neighbor that has been here pretty much as long as my parents we are scared of most of the people in the neighborhood so don’t even talk to anyone else since the other people who were good and trustworthy have moved away. The thugs are here in droves and shootings in this neighborhood all the time, and this isn’t even the worst part of Portland. Now that the house belongs to me we are trying to decide when to sell and where to move to because this isn’t a place where we want to raise our son. There is to much school violence school shootings pretty much started in our state. My old high school even had a shooting not long ago while my nephew was there it was one of the scariest days ever, then there was the mall shooting and I was there for that one of the victims of that was a friend of a good friend of mine. Definitely not a really safe place to live anymore. And I can attest to the fact True Oregonians hate transplants. Another way to tell one on the streets is if or when they use an umbrella I swear most real Oregonians that I know that have lived here all their lives don’t even own one. About pumping gas it can take some time especially if it is one of the gas stations with good prices, especially Costco. Though I love someone else pumps my gas not only are we paying about the same as Washington we also at least employ more people. Which is good because jobs are very scarce.

  • Russell Smith

    Oh please, I was born and raised in New Jersey………………….

  • Marlene Duke

    I want to know why in these comments when someone talks about Oregon, they are referring to Portland? There is a lot more to Oregon than just Portland.

  • longa

    Went to Portland for a training class for a new job. I will never ever ever go back to that God Forsaken HELL HOLE! We could’t even walk around the downtown area without getting harassed and threatened by freaks covered in tats and body piercings calling themselves the 99%.

  • ….I kinda liked Oregon….before it got built-up….along the coast…like Bandon… haven’t gone there in 5-6 years….but….the same “Kinda People” ran me out of California….the ones with Too Much Money and No Brains….Probably Trump Bumpers…..

  • demoman

    im sure everyone loves blaming californians for their own screw ups.. seems to be the trend. i lived in oregon and raised my kids there from 1972 and moved back and forth from oregon to california do to work. Oregon was so against change that they hurt them self by not having diversity in the businesses. they tryed to stop anything tht was different, and when the logging died out, there was even less work to be had. Dont get me wrong, i love oregon, but people and the state need to only look in the mirror to see what really causes their problems. i remember people say californians ran property prices up because they would pay higher prices for property. well thats true, but if you want to fix that problem, dont take more money for your property when its offered. also when i lived there, pears were the main orchards, but now they arent that popular so now its all about grapes and wine thanks to transplanted people. stop whining and except change because there is no way things stay the same.

  • Mauvais Garcon

    The weather in Oregon isn’t as bad as this article makes out…….. last year summer came on a Saturday and more people got to enjoy it.

  • stony

    I am a native Oregonian living in California. I hate it here but I am afraid to move back. I am afraid that I might be sniffed out. Plus, Portland and Eugene are pretty much awful places to be these days (too many Californians brought their bad habits I suppose) so I’m not sure that there is much to move back to. :/

  • Cyn Davis

    “People in sleeping bags are just the soft tacos of the bear world” LOL. I love it.

  • Laura Kelly

    It’s funny how people get so protective of the state they live in. I live in Alaska and people come and go all the time. We welcome newcomers and show them around and are sad when our friends leave. The state has good and bad. I’ve lived here 30 years after living in Idaho and being born in Oregon. People move around all the time, why does everyone get their panties in a twist?

  • Sheri Stadelman Gomez

    okay you for got the DA in Marion county look wrong at a woman, have her call the cops you get to live in Eastern Oregon for the next 7 years and come out with the label sex offender for the rest of your life.

  • Eric Duncan

    True life in Oregon ?. Huuuum can’t think of the last time I spent 2 hours at a gas station waiting. I Think I would go to a different gas station. $12.00 dollars for a smoothie ?. They can get pricy, but pretty sure oregon is not Paris, or NYC. Sure it rains plenty here, but as I recall we have had quite a few long hot summers and nice springs with little rain at all, seems Rain is normal for fall, winter, and spring time. Yes I agree Oregon is not the most exciting place, but has plenty to offer depending on what you’re looking for. I was amused by alot of this article very exagerated. I know Oregonians love the state and are not the nicest to transplants, like the article said, it’s just that way. I think Springfield was rated in the top 10 worst Oregon citys to live. Alot more to Oregon then Springfield.

  • MrWar

    And don’t think you’re safe from other Oregon towns. Someone from Boring will smell you a mile away if you’re escaping Portland

  • Roxene Kimes

    ..like the sign in the auto parts house when I broke down there on vacation: “Go Californicate somewhere else” only thing is. There isn’t any such thing as fornication anymore, especially in Oregon. It’s all good.

  • Roxene Kimes

    Oregon will now forever be the place known for putting Sweet Cakes out of business.. and driving decent folks underground. It wasnt enough that they got a $135K fine. When the State found out that they had been recipients of the money and had even more they came and emptied their personal account checking account too.. outside of the law and outside of being ethical.

  • Aaron Freeman

    First off, not all of your statements are correct. The one statement that’s incorrect, is the hippie statement. There aren’t hippies here; those that consider themselves hippie, yet are politically active, are by definition, yippie…

    Second, the “thugs” here, aren’t as tough as you might think. Before moving here, I lived in Sacramento, and drove a cab. I had the misfortune to pick up 3 “hardcore thugs” from Portland; they wanted to score some meth… I had to rescue them from Del Paso Heights, and let me tell you, they were shitting themselves! So no, they’re not that hard. I’ve walked in North Portland, and the locals steer clear of me; something about where I come from radiates from me…

    It doesn’t rain all the time; in fact, in Salem, it stopped raining a week ago, and it almost hit 100°, days in a row. It only hails occasionally; maybe moreso in Eugene, but in Salem, not so much… But, as for the rest of your rain statement, you’re almost spot on.

    Tweakers aren’t everywhere, but they’re abundance is noticeable. Especially in Philomath, a place they’ve affectionately named Fullameth.

    People here aren’t crazy; they’re just stupid, from an intellectual standpoint. I get really offended when pseudo intellectuals try to dazzle me with their intellectual prowess; mind you, these are alumni of U of D’Oh that do this (time to put the bong down, guys; you’ve smoked yourselves stupid!). Not so much so from OSU or WOU; but PSU alumni can be like this… mind you, I’m not impressed with the quality (or, lack thereof) of education you can receive here; then again, I went to Stanford University, which U of D’Oh despises… intelectually inferior, maybe?

    As for the “thug” comments, you also forgot to mention the covert racism that happens here, especially from the liberal retards! I’m an educated Latino from California, and I find it offensive when Anglos come up to me, and assume that I don’t speak English… really?!?! I usually respond to their ignorance in French or German; it usually throws them for a loop! Or, if I respond in English, they’re also thrown for a loop, because it destroys any preconceived opinions they had beforehand! They assumed that I was an illiterate, non English speaking, illegal… guess again, pendejo!

    During the dot com boom, I worked with several people from Hillsboro in Santa Clara; did I make them uncomfortable? No! That would be rude… which is why I spend an inordinate amountof time correcting the natives here, when they say things like “Californians are driving up our real estate!” No, that’s a two way street; real estate speculators here think they see rubes from California with money. And, the Californians see greedy speculators, so the price is negotiated down. The Californians make out like bandits (we had money, because we’re overtaxed at home; high paying jobs compensate for that…), reinforcing that myth!

    As to the women here, I’m not interested in them, though I’ve been hit on by several! Being from NorCal, we have a lot in common.

    I hope that I haven’t totally brutalised this article, because a lot of it is spot on; I just had to correct what I thought were some erroneous errors. I’ve had to adapt. So much so, that my wife and I like disc golf. Hell, we even play at Oregon State Hospital, where Keasy’s tome was filmed; we live down the street from there!

    • Zeke

      My son-in-law’s family has been in the Phoenix area since before Cortez arrived. He speaks perfect english with zero accent. On the phone you’d never guess he’s not caucasian. He has liberals from Portland assuming he is an ignorant illegal every day. The discrimination is rampant, much of it unwitting and presumptuous. Portlanders just try too hard to be proper liberals.

      • Aaron Freeman

        Yeah, tell me about it! I applied for a job at U of D’Oh in 2011, and they said that I lied on my EEOC paperwork… they had the audacity to assume that there’s no way that I could be Hispanic without a Spanish surname, or Spanish accent! Like your cousin, I speak English with a regional accent (I was in MA last year, and when I spoke, I stuck out like a turd in a punchbowl…). Whenever I speak with someone from Portland on the phone, they erroneously assume that I’m Anglo; when they see me, they give me the hairy eyeball, and I have to show ID, just to prove who I am… it sucks here, because of that!

    • tasia

      Dude. It’s hyperbole. Look it up.

  • Brooke Westbrook

    I fucking hate Oregon. I moved here bout 20 years ago and ended up losing my family and life savings in Josephine County. I got a collegedegree from Southern Oregon University that affords me no high paying job. No job s here. The state just su ks the life out of people. It’s true what and all that Tyler James wrote. Welcome to Oregon, now get the hell out and save yourself.

  • Pearl

    Well, Oregon did use to be a nice place–like in the 60’s when I lived there.. Then, Californians really did invade and with so many people it changed. It got developed up the wazoo, traffic, crowds, etc.. True natives are few. The beaches, coastline, are beautiful and protected from development. But, Portland has become another democratically controlled liberal city that you’ll want to stay away from if you work. Eastern Oregon is very nice.

  • PS Guy

    i’d like to add that Oregonians, you know the ones who hate California and it’s residents, come to Palm Springs in droves all winter long. You come for the sun but, and I own a retail store so I know what I’m talking about, constantly say “I don’t pay sales tax I’m from Oregon.” When I (used to patiently) explain they are not in Oregon anymore they repeatedly say, “I still don’t see why I should have to pay your tax. I’m from Oregon, we don’t have sales tax!” Well listen up shit for brains, you’re here because of the weather. Don’t like the sales tax? Stay the fuck home. We don’t need you or your shitty attitude and while we’re at it, learn how to park before you come here. I could set up an entire site on just photos of crappy Oregon plated cars and their idea of parking inside the lines of the space. It appears that’s just too hard.

    And furthermore, those “No Californians” stickers on your real estate signs? Who does that? Simple minded Oregonians that’s who.

    So, please stay home since you obviously can’t acclimate outside of your bubble. And please, please, don’t embarrass the country by traveling outside the USA either. What happens when you get to Europe and there’s a VAT (tax)? Are you going to stand there and whine…”but I’m from Oregon!” Waaaa! “Coddle me, I’m special! Pump my gas for me!” Waaaa…

    We need a wall alright, just not with Mexico.

  • Julia Anne

    Omg this is the funniest post EVER. Have not laughed that hard in awhile. Born and raised in Oregon, currently residing in LA. Trust me LA is worse. I want Oregon back!

    • Chuck Peregrin

      I hate Oregon, but LA does suck worse. It’s funny because all Oregonians seem to think all of California is like LA though. The Bay Area is where it’s at (except for the expensiveness)

  • Marcello

    I concur with EVERYTHING! I couldn’t wait to move back to the Bay Area (Yup-California) where the people are friendly (they actually say hello if you are hiking on a trail), diverse (NOT ALL WHITE), progressive (NOT ALL CHRISTIAN) and most have their teeth.

    When I lived in Portland, some lovely person keyed my car because I didn’t give him cash when he was panhandling outside the Fred Meyers store. I actually did give him money after I did my shopping (he had a dog that looked like he needed food) and only noticed that he had keyed the car later.

    I couldn’t believe my M.D. had such bad BO (she rode her bike to her office)-that I thought I was going to puke. Same with the optometrist-bad scent and rode her bike. I’m so happy to be back where people believe in hygiene and actually do shower on occasion. Oh and don’t get me started on the weather. If you weren’t depressed when you moved there, I can guarantee that you will be acutely depressed after living there for a few months. I’m so grateful to be out of that revolting place. All the ‘Proud Oregonians’ deserve each other. When you show up as a tourist in my gorgeous world class city (Yep, SF), I will try to greet you with an open mind. Please don’t stay long. (How does it FEEL?)

  • Alan Doud

    Some of it is true. Native Oregonians don’t like you if you plan to move in. The drivers aren’t slow they are nuts. They especially like to make left hand turns in front of you from the right hand lane. If you supper depression the sky is usually overcast. I have seen one bear out here. My first day here I was stabbed and on other occasions friends were mugged. On the high side. what was funny is my daughter begged told they guy we are poor like you and he gave them their money back. Tweakers are everywhere. I think recreational pot is legal. Don’t know I don’t use it I know medical is. They are nature freaks. The woman tend to like older men even the older ones. It is against the law to pump your own gas and I never had to wait for someone too fill my tank. Oregonians are the worlds worse tippers. Don’t work a service job here. More than once I have seen a two dollar tip for a hundred dollar check. Gheeeeese! What a bunch of El Cheapo tight wads. they would make scrooge look benevolent. Yeah lots of homeless scarce jobs and mild weather. There use to be no vagrancy laws her and they didn’t extradite so it became a criminal haven. Booze is state controlled so it tends to be expensive.

  • Suzanne Castillo Devlin

    Okay, this was funny. But….me thinks Tyler is really trying to make Oregon out to be “Zombie Chef From Hell” (1986) meets “Reefer Madness” (1936) just to discourage people from moving here so we don’t get like Cali. I’ve been here 25 years and I don’t recognize anything Tyler is referring to. And given that Tyler appears to be an adult, if Oregon is as crappy as he believes it is……what is holding him back from moving to Mississippi, N. Dakota or….uh….California, where I moved from. The only thing I’ve missed is In-N-Out and they’re finally here in Oregon and I’m sure they’ll comtinue to make their way north. California had gotten much too crowded and I don’t like heat. But I grew up in a small town (San Dimas) 20 miles or so east of Pasadena and I loved it. It was llike Mayberry back then. Oregon is the perfect place for me and still get to live in the “Left Coast”….. so all is good. It’s absolutely gorgeous, the people are nice and drivers, for the most part, are polite. A little crazy in Portland but that’s typical for big cities. What the hell are you complaining about, Tyler? You’ve got Voodoo Donuts right there in Eurgene. What more do you want?

  • Scrambler

    Nice try to dissuade, but, everyone who so much as weekends here wants…no.. NEEDS!..to move to Oregon. Bummer!!..it sucks being popular, skyrocketing housing costs, crowding, if only Portland were more like Topaz Lake.

  • Jason w

    i have lived in Oregon since 1990 sadly most people up here are hateful paranoid anti social an unnappoachable most oregonian Men are drug addicts unregistered sex offenders an most will not even acknowledge your exsistants they are not here to meet new people most ofthem do not like meeting knew people Most Oregonian women are Nasty will not make eye contact with you smile or anything instead all these Fatherless female oregonian animals living up here do is look at you from a distance with adead cold stare of silence you will get that mostly everywhere you go up here like your some kind of sub human rains non stop into the summers an the people up here make the living experience feel like being Locked inside a usa Corrections Facility people across across the usa stay away from here an go somewhere else the whole down town area is filthy as well an jobs are are tuff to come by

  • Desert Scorpion

    Sounds great! I’m moving tomorrow.

  • Spiritgirl

    Sounds awful but nothing is worse than Houston Texas where I live it’s so hot youll have a heat stroke walking to the car… and the heat last for 5 to 7 months a year! It’s so hot here if you spit (not me just people of a certain Asian and Hispanic ethnicity of which I’m half of, which has taken over the city, I feel like I live in Mexas!) on the ground it’ll evaporate instantly! the men here are all so unattractive! I mean all of them! And there’s nothing to do here except eat… I mean nothing to do! Unless you like ugly men in bars.
    I was born here but grew up in New York City, (tired of it) been back here for five years (family business) and looking for a better place to live.
    The people are nicer here on average, albiet a lot dumber.

  • Kieran Thomas

    welcome to oregon, now get out.

  • wild rose

    the paint drying analogy sounds about right. also the people seems too be about as boring as the paint. portland is like a ghost town.

  • Bill Broderick

    James G. Blaine society lives!

  • Shaun E. Sinclair

    The legacy of of govenor Tom Mcall lives on, just a longer rendetion of his please come visit but do not move here speech

  • Gabriel Hazeem

    Oregon girls are cunts. They aren’t woodsy, most of them. They just think theyre trash inside so they keep their legs clamped shut out of spite

  • John Hemphill

    Most of these reasons are exactly why I want to move to Oregon, fuck california

  • Delicious Fragrance

    Hubby wants to move here because the neighbors are retiring here. No way Jose. The weather is an incurable defect. Lived in Seattle and that was bad enough. Nooooooooooooo

  • Gene Smith

    Wait’ll this Texas gal immigrates. I’ll straighten up the whole state for ya. :P~~~~~

  • Jamie Welty

    And don’t forget do not bring a bike because some one will steal it and the person down the street will sell it back to u at a garage sale

  • Chris Gavin

    You sound like that middle class suburban kid who thinks his life sucks. Just spent 4 days in Oregon for the first time. Beautiful state, friendly people and activities up the @$$! (As long as you enjoy the outdoors). Come visit Reno Nv if you want a good example of just about everything you complained about Oregon.
    P.S. Sounds like Oregon needs more people like me! I’ll trade spots with you!!

  • seb146

    And it snows in the desert where the meth zombies live

  • seb146

    Reading the comments is interesting. I grew up in the desert of Oregon and now live near San Francisco. I spent some years in Portland and Ashland. For me, anything not near I-5 sucks. People just do their own thing along I-5 and are angry in a general sense. Eastern Oregon is people mad at strangers changing everything, no matter who they are or how long they lived there.

  • Dallas Hunter Van Winkle

    People moving north to Oregon are doing what any Oregonian with half a brain is doing: MOVING THE FUCK NORTH. Climate refugees will overrun Oregon within a few years. Anyone with some semblance of an intellect still living in Oregon or Washington is moving to Canada or making plans to.

  • Ferro Ella

    Bit of stereotyping and exaggeration but some truth here

  • Crow Derby Ho

    kevin heart not a good choice for the we hate segment u could say we hate our blacks which is kinda why I left

  • American Infidel

    I have experienced the slow drivers and I’ve been here a year. Frustrating barely covers it. They wouldn’t survive in s.e. Virginia (Hampton Roads/Tidewater). Are they terrified of getting a ticket?
    On a funny note, one lady I met refers to me as that Southern Gentleman From Virginia.

  • WA native

    I live in Washington. Just as in Oregon, people don’t realize that in Eastern Oregon it rarely rains and there is plenty to do, you are also wrong about 99.9% of the people. I suggest that you get out of Eugene/Springfield or Portland and find out what else is going on in your state. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that you don’t relocate until you have a job and a place to live (#12). If you hate nature, why did you move to Oregon, that’s a no-brainer. There are bad drivers everywhere but your Honda was stolen and you probably don’t own a car, so don’t worry about it. The reason you don’t pump your own gas is so someone can have a job. Leave earlier and give yourself enough time to get gas so you won’t be late for your meeting. #5 is BS. You forgot to tell people that Oregonians don’t pay sales tax. This article has got to be a joke, I’m not entirely sure. Don’t come down here to shop with your pay no tax card and sponge off of us. Marijuana is legal here too. We also really hate transplants so don’t waste your time.

  • Frank Martin

    half of this list only represents Western Oregon..

    Eastern Oregon folks are much more accommodating and act like regular folks

  • Martin Johnson
  • Dana Page

    Don’t forget, we are poor and can’t fix our streets but still pay some of the highest taxes in the country. Have a nice day.

  • Robert Buckalew

    I live in So. Oregon and I can pretty much tell you anyone from another state or along the I-5 corridor in Oregon is going to be ridiculed by us!

  • Springfield? You forgot the nasty-ass chemical-infested swill they call drinking water left behind by Weyerhauser. All those giant water scrubbers are there for a reason.

  • #15: the anarchists. You live in Eugene so you should have tons of experience with this.

  • Mike

    RIGHT,RIGHT,AWESOME,AWESOME,RIGHT,RIGHT,AWESOME

  • Mike

    You forgot to mention that Oregon must be the Down Syndrome capital of the world!!! Really have you seen these people?!?! They all have that look about them and are just as intelligent. RIGHT RIGHT AWESome right right awesome right right right right awesome awesome right .RETARDS,RETARDS,RETARDS,RETARDS,RIGHT,RIGHT,AWESOME.RETARDS RETARDS RETARDS RETARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT RIGHT AWESOME RETARDS RIGHT RIGHT AWESOME RETARDS RETARDS AWESOME RIGHT RIGGHT AWESOME RIGHT oh forgot to mention the fleas and ticks you inbred retard Oregonians RIGHT RIGHT AWESOME LAME RETARDS DO YOU NOT REALIZE HOW IGNORANT YOU SOUND????????

  • Verena StDenis

    All the reason I moved here, is like I’m back in Germany only closer to the ocean. Lol

  • Chuck Peregrin

    Can confirm. Moved to Oregon, and worked in a small town. Small town Oregon suuuucks. It’s full of redneck inbred hillbillies and brainless Trump supporters. #14 is funny because no one in their right mind would want an Oregon woman anyway. Most are over 300 lbs. The only sane place in the state is Portland actual. Most of the people here are very hateful of outsiders and super sensitive if they perceive you to be one. Portland is Oregon’s only saving grace (apart from its beautiful forests, but they really do all look the same, so if you’ve hiked one, you’ve hiked them all).

  • Brian Pruitt

    Dude you where spot on with this article. I have lived in Eugen-Springfield for 36 years almost and your number 1 is spot on. Well done dude.

  • jason Alan

    I like oregon. I don’t get this guy and this article.? Sun lacks that’s the only drag but at least we have a summer!

  • Pidgie

    Looks like there are complainers everywhere. I live in a beautiful coastal town in California, and there’s always a small but vocal army of whiners who hate tourists and cry about how rich people from Hollywood are moving in and ruining the place. Frankly, this is the United States and I’m an American citizen, and I’ll live where I want. If an Oregonian or, for that matter, anyone from anywhere, gets an attitude with me because of where I’m from, they’re going to get it right back with interest and a bit more for good measure. My family and I are considering moving to Oregon, so you’d better be polite when we come up to visit in October. BTW, any suggestions for dog friendly, off-leash hikes in the Rogue Valley area?

  • Gene Whelchel

    I lived in Eastern Oregon for 29 years, it was great in the 70’s and 80’s, but that all changed when Cali’s moved in along with thousands of “illegals”. The hard wing lefties ruined a once great state, now it’s hippies and illegals as far as the eye can see. Taxes are high, Hey gotta feed a nanny state, Oh and best learn Spanish, or no job, yep Oregon caters to the Mexicans big time. I left in 2004, wife and I grew up in Oregon, never thought we’d leave, but we got pushed out by politics, and cost of living. Hear now since they are all ” Blazing up” on Mary J since it all legal it’s by far worse, someones taxes gotta pay for all the inmates from crime and being committed to the local nut hut. Oregon was once a great state, but a lot of us left, though reasons may vary, most will never go back, shame it was my home and was a good one ………once upon a time.

  • Ferdinand Madsen🏴𖤐

    This is a satire joke, right?!

  • demoman

    hahaha as to #4 im going there TO sleep with their wives and girlfriends…lol

  • navydave

    Gots to love the blue tarp roofs tied down with plastic milk bottles filled with water. And Scotch Broom. If i ever find the SOB who imported that weed. I will dig them up just so I can kill them again.

  • I remember when a Seattle newspaper columnist wrote stories like this about Seattle telling people to stay away. Then, after he passed away, people by the zillions moved in, and now its much worse than his fictional stories ever were. He had the right idea, but not enough imagination as to what it would really be like.

    Oregon has no sales taxes, so if you own no property, the cost of living can be lower. In Washington, if you buy a new car, its 9% sales tax, not to mention the licensing fees. If you build a new house? Yup, 9% sales tax for a custom built home! Thats quite a chunk of $$ for a 500K house, ~$45,000 sale tax.

  • TheWhiteHawk

    Happy to be here from Kalifornia. Spent my childhood here, family moved back to Kaiifornia, but after being widowed I came back “home” and will never leave. Love Oregon, warts and all. LOL

  • Cam Newton

    HA! Tom McCall has been spinning in his grave since at least the early 90s! I was born in Sacred Heart Hospital Eugene when my parents were in married student housing (the Amazon Project), known as “Fertility Flats”. I’m 3rd generation and enjoyed most of the natural overstated generalizations. Thanks!

  • Nick Erhart

    That describes Portland pretty well but I’ve lived here all my life and experienced less that a third of these things, most of Oregon is a really cool place to live