Experts warn gluten found in meth could be hazardous to your health


PORTLAND, OR — Health experts have today warned that meth found on the streets of Portland has tested positive for gluten, a protein composite normally found in several types of grains, including wheat, spelt, rye, and barley.

Action on Gluten has been set up to help meth users avoid “hidden gluten”, and to get drug dealers to offer a much safer gluten free meth for the tweaker communities of Oregon.

The organization believes they can successfully eliminate gluten from meth completely within a year, ensuring a much cleaner form of crystal and a brighter future for children who love meth.

Action on Gluten spokesperson Simon Krueger explained, “Gluten is not only dangerous, but also highly addictive. When added to meth, an otherwise fairly safe drug, the consequences can be deadly.”

“While the majority of drug dealers are honest, hard working, and have compassion for their consumers, unfortunately a handful of dealers are ruining the party for everyone as they are sneaking the poisonous gluten into their product.”

“As a result unsuspecting users are sniffing meth, not even realizing they are actually also sniffing gluten.”

“We just want Oregonians to be aware of the facts about gluten, and to realize that just their meth may not be as clean as they thought.”

Meth laced with deadly gluten

According to one study, over 80% of people don’t even know they are sniffing gluten meth. Tweakers in Oregon have reacted with shock at the gluten revelations, insisting they will be more careful about who they purchase their chunky white crunch from.

Tweaker Arnold Warren told us, “I’ve lost so much weight recently, and all my teeth are falling out. I was really concerned as to what the f*** was happening to me, but now this explains it.”

Warren also shared with That Oregon Life he plans to live a more healthy lifestyle, and his new year resolution for 2016 includes being a gluten free tweaker.

Kurios in Portland
  • MShribman

    4 out of 5 doctors recommend gluten free meth. Also, heroin from non GMO poppies.

    • GuardDog1790

      Good thing most heroin comes from fair trade sources in Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Laos, Burma, and Thailand. They don’t really use GMOs out there

      • David Mulloy

        Only because “Monsanto” hasn’t figured out how to “Patent” Opium Poppy Seed!!

  • Jack Tripper

    You deserve to go to jail, if you believe meth has gluten. You’re even more stupid if you think gluten is a real thing to worry about.

    • ScooterTor

      Someone’s sarcasm detector has apparently been permanently shut off.

    • You might want to brush up on literary devices there, Jack Tripper. Otherwise your shortcomings in recognizing satirical, tongue-in-cheek articles produces laughable, head-up-ass commentary. The whole world’s watching, Scooter, smarten up and do us proud.

      • Jack Tripper

        Thank you dickhead. I know it was a tongue in cheek. It was meant to be funny. But there are those dumbasses that actually believe it and it was directed at those dumbasses. If you Google, you would see that.

        • Alice

          If that was meant to be funny you need to brush up on your delivery

          • megadave

            God this thread is a trainwreck

        • bevgrey

          Nowhere have I seen this taken seriously. This sounds as if you just felt the need to yell at someone but picked the wrong place.

  • Shannon Kappel

    I don’t have any humor.

  • Debby

    OMG, is this article serious? Who really gives a shit? Make sure you smoke good meth? Please.

    • eskimo0101

      Satire detection isn’t your strong suit huh?

    • James L Hood

      I knew it! I knew someone would actually believe this.

      • xmarlboromanx

        lmao

    • Evan Rander

      I always want to make sure that my meth is clean. And Gluten is gross!

  • Richard B. Gibson

    Damn and I was fixing to become a Methhead.

  • Scott Kelley Holmes

    When I buy my meth for myself and my autistic children, I always get it from the alley behind Whole Foods so I know that its gluten and lactose free. And only from cooks who are not eating dairy products from cows treated with rBST. It’s just better to be safe than sorry.

    • Tiera Lovell Rowe

      😂😂😂😂😂 this was hilarious.. Being a former user! This cracked me up!!

  • Daryl W Haaland

    Gee I’d always wondered why I suddenly get the shits while tweaking…… and now I know.

    • Scott Staudt

      Knowing is half the battle.

    • johnfmstr

      baby laxatives, what we use to use to cut it with

  • Larry Meynard

    Put the methheads in jail and they won’t have to worry about gluten laced meth anymore.

  • Laura Wilson

    SNERK! Okay, I have to admit, until I read the actual article I got suckered in. In my defense, I didn’t know Oregon had their own version of The Onion. 😀

    • Jimmy Roussell

      Me too for a second.

  • airstart

    The new trend, “Organic Meth” for the discreet tweaker.

  • Joni BigSoldier

    That was too funny…i was believing it for a few.

  • Chad Allen Scales

    That’s METHED up……

    • Goingwithnoname

      HA HA HA HA HAH A HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

  • ii

    That’s why I always ask for gluten free meth

  • ii

    Could I get a bag of your finest gluten free organic meth?

  • Meona Goodday

    Always warn your guests if the meth you serve has gluten. Many people have gluten sensitivities and they could have severe health issues if they ingest gluten. With their meth. Because the gluten is definitely the detail you want to focus on. When you take meth. And while the meth in the meth may be a mild reason for concern, don’t forget the gluten. In the meth.

  • Fernando Ortiz

    but did you die..

  • Live_Free_Or_Die

    I thought this was in the Onion…

  • Pat Fox

    Some shit just never fails to amaze me, well maybe not amaze me but interest me, well maybe not interest me, now days maybe just not disgust me, well maybe not disgust me but, just makes me shake my head and laugh !!!!!

  • Goingwithnoname

    Pretty funny article… really…

  • No way Heisenberg would put that crap in HIS meth!

  • Norman

    Has someone lost their itty bitty minds? Gluten is the dangerous part? Okay, let’s look at this objectively. Gluten DOES NOT KILL YOU. Meth WILL KILL YOU. Now I may not be a researcher or a paid scientist, but even I know DEATH IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN THE RUNS.

    • Shawn Corrigan

      I don’t know man have you ever gotten the runs like really bad?

    • Evan Rander

      Meth will not kill you! but i know nobody in LA will even touch Gluten!! so… who’s right here?

  • marchelgeson

    The Portland PD and OSP will test for gluten in your meth for free. They don’t want anyone consuming gluten tainted meth. The program is available at all stations and from most patrol units. Seriously, you don’t want to mess with that stuff.

  • Michael Adams

    You have got to be kidding me! Don’t do meth at all! End of the story End of the problem. There is no such thing as a safe illegal drug! Why do you think they are illegal.

  • Veritis

    Oh yes because when you doing meth the thing you should be most concerned about is the gluten in it. What about the rocket fuel in it, maybe that should be certified organic.

  • Veritis

    OMG this is a joke right?

    • Jay Bell

      Yes.

  • johnfmstr

    theres Acetone. Nail polish remover or paint thinner. Extremely flammable. …

    Lithium. Used in batteries. Lithium seriously burns the skin upon contact. …

    Toluene. Used in brake fluid. …

    Hydrochloric. Acid. …

    Pseudoephedrine. Decongestant found in cold medicine. …

    Red. Phosphorus. …

    Sodium. Hydroxide. …

    Sulfuric. Acid.

    used to make meth and they worry about a little gluten..

    • johnfmstr

      forgot, heat,, gas additive to remove water

  • Hal Slusher

    Absolutely brilliant article ROFLMAO.

  • 55FMJ

    BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAH!! What an awesome way to start the day!! First article I read today and it had me LMAO! Tyler James, you magnificent bastard!