WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vowing to “finish what he started back when Herbert Hoover was in short pants,” Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley announced Thursday that he will seek a 13th term in 2064 at the age of 108, confidently declaring his intention to outlive every remaining...
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As grocery prices soar, infrastructure crumbles, artificial intelligence begins writing its own manifestos, and World War 3 quietly warms up in the background, officials are reassuring Americans there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. “Relax,...
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing that left the nation more confused than ever, President Donald Trump assured Americans that the Epstein client list was released, except it wasn’t really the list, because there is no list, apart from the list that isn’t...
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local cyclists have announced plans for a massive parade this Saturday titled “We’re Better Than You” as a way to raise awareness for their superior lifestyle choices. The event, organized by the Portland Coalition of Pedal Supremacy, will feature...
PORTLAND, OR — Ahead of Independence Day, Portland Mayor Keith Wilson reminded residents Monday that while waving the American flag on the 4th of July is technically still legal, those who choose to do so should immediately issue a sincere apology for “the harm caused...
SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking press conference Tuesday, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled her latest initiative to address Oregon’s mounting crises: staring blankly into the distance until everything magically fixes itself. “My administration has worked tirelessly to...
OREGON LAKE — What was supposed to be a peaceful weekend getaway turned into a bloodsucking horror show Saturday after witnesses say a swarm of mosquitoes at a popular Oregon lake completely consumed a man, leaving behind nothing but a pair of slightly-worn flip-flops...
Portland, OR — A tense scene unfolded Tuesday morning at a southeast Portland coffee shop after a man casually entered the building wearing a T-shirt featuring the American flag — unironically. The man, described by onlookers as “clean-cut” and “probably someone who...
PORTLAND, OR — In a bold display of civic unity, city officials have announced the scheduled public beheading of a local man at sunset tonight in Pioneer Courthouse Square after he reportedly uttered the inflammatory phrase: “Let’s hear both sides.” The man,...
EAGLE CREEK, OR — A peaceful day of fishing took a harrowing turn for local man Doug Harper after he accidentally reeled in a screaming woman identified only as Karen, who immediately began berating him for “murdering aquatic citizens” and “violating the lake’s safe...
SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking effort to bring communities together through coordinated chaos, the state of Oregon has officially launched the nation’s first Hunger Games, complete with blazing wildfires, spontaneous riots, and a rotating schedule of statewide...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — After discovering that her entire week’s worth of groceries had mysteriously vanished in the dead of night, local mom Karen Delaney is beginning to suspect that her “sweet growing boy” may, in fact, be on the marijuanas. “I don’t want to jump to...