SALEM, OR — In a move that experts are calling “bold,” “innovative,” and “the most Oregon thing to ever happen,” Governor Tina Kotek announced Monday that traditional Christmas celebrations will be officially replaced statewide with a new holiday: Inclusive Winter Observance™.
The rollout, described by Tina as “a necessary modernization of winter emotions,” will take effect immediately, despite the fact that most Oregonians were blindsided while attempting to buy Black Friday leftovers at Fred Meyer.
Christmas ‘Too Festive,’ Says Tina
At a press conference held beside a sustainably harvested, ethically nonjudgmental stump, Tina declared that Christmas in its current form “carries outdated themes of joy, warmth, and unregulated cheer.”
“These elements,” she said, adjusting a stack of color-coded policy binders, “do not reflect modern Oregon values. If joy is allowed to spike without state guidance, where does it end?”
Effective this year, all references to Christmas—including trees, lights, carols, and anything shaped like a candy cane—will be rebranded under the Inclusive Winter Observance (IWO) umbrella.
New Requirements for Oregon Residents
The Governor’s office released a 94-page brochure outlining the new rules, including:
- Christmas trees → now called Seasonal Vertical Botanicals. Must be certified “non-denominational” and decorated exclusively with muted, earth-neutral tones.
- Santa Claus → replaced with the Seasonal Redistribution Specialist, a figure tasked with distributing grants, not presents.
- Stockings → rebranded as Thermal Sock-Shaped Storage Units, with required DEQ labeling.
- Sleigh bells → prohibited due to “excessive merriment.”
Citizens found humming “Jingle Bells” will receive a gentle corrective nudge from the state, described as “a brief reeducation slideshow narrated by a very tired DMV employee.”
New IWO Activities
Traditionally festive experiences will be replaced with updated, more equitable alternatives:
- Caroling → now “Neighborhood Acoustic Consensus Chanting.”
- Gift exchanges → replaced with “Mutual Seasonal Redistribution using reusable burlap containers.”
- Holiday parties → reclassified as “Group Togetherness Moments,” capped at three participants unless a special permit is secured from the county.
Participants must bring their own biodegradable plates, emotional neutrality, and a written 500-word reflection on the meaning of winter.
Reactions Across Oregon
Reactions have been mixed, ranging from confusion to deep, primal confusion.
Bend resident Trevor Clamsworth said he tried explaining Inclusive Winter Observance to his grandmother and “she just stared at me like I told her Santa joined Antifa.”
Portland residents, meanwhile, have widely embraced the change, with several neighborhoods already organizing IWO Lantern Walks of Mutual Non-Specific Delight.
However, in rural Oregon, reports indicate multiple residents have begun stockpiling traditional candy canes in underground bunkers.
North Pole Files Complaint
In a surprising development, Santa (now officially “Mr. Claus, private citizen”) issued a statement through his attorneys claiming that Tina’s new policy “unfairly targets sleigh-based logistics operations” and “undermines centuries of magic-oriented labor.”
Tina responded by offering him a position on the IWO Advisory Committee, explaining that “his workshop experience could be valuable in modernizing gift equity distribution pathways.”
What Happens Next
The state says IWO will continue evolving, and next year’s proposals may phase out:
- holiday lights (“too twinkly”)
- gingerbread men (“gendered”)
- snowmen (“also gendered”)
- peppermint mochas (“inflationary risk factors”)
Residents are encouraged to “embrace the season with open arms, closed expectations, and government-approved seasonal neutrality.”
As for Christmas itself, Tina assured Oregonians that it hasn’t been “canceled,” merely “transitioned into a more administratively soothing winter paradigm.”
Oregonians have until December 12 to update all references to Christmas, including on yard decor, Amazon wishlists, and confused texts from relatives in Idaho.
