SALEM, OR — In a move hailed by absolutely no one outside the Portland metro area, Oregon lawmakers have officially banned conservatives from residing in the state, citing “vibe mismatch” and “continued misuse of the word ‘woke.’”
The emergency legislation, passed 31–0 after all dissenting lawmakers were politely asked to “go back to Idaho,” is expected to take effect immediately. U-Haul locations across southern Oregon are already reporting record demand as confused former residents frantically Google “states where flannel is still legal but not suspicious.”
“This isn’t about politics,” said State Representative Moonflower Windchime (D-Portland, they/them). “It’s about creating a safe space where Subaru owners can openly cry about forest fires without being called snowflakes by someone in a Punisher hoodie.”
The new law outlines clear guidelines:
- Owning more than three American flags on your truck = automatic expulsion
- Saying “Let’s Go Brandon” unironically = immediate catapult over the Cascades
- Referring to Portland as “San Francisco Lite” = lifetime ban
Conservatives hoping to appeal the decision will be required to compost, use correct pronouns in at least one public sentence, and successfully complete a barista certification course in Eugene.
Critics of the ban argue it violates basic constitutional rights, while supporters say it’s simply “a long-overdue act of self-care.”
Governor Tina Kotek defended the law at a press conference, stating:
“Oregon tried coexisting. Then we tried tolerating. Then we tried ignoring. Now we’re just choosing peace.”
At press time, Texas had reportedly responded with a bill banning all Oregonians from visiting Buc-ee’s.
