CANNON BEACH, OR — In a move that shocked no one familiar with Oregon’s coastal crime wave of airborne kleptomaniacs, Cannon Beach has officially been ranked the most scenic location to witness a seagull violently rob a child of a full-size burrito in broad daylight.
The incident that inspired the ranking was caught on camera Tuesday afternoon, when 2-year-old Brody Jensen was enjoying a peaceful moment near Haystack Rock, clutching a foil-wrapped burrito roughly the size of his own femur, when a seagull descended from the sky like a feathered demon of hunger and rage.
"It was like a scene out of National Geographic meets Grand Theft Auto,” said onlooker Kelsey Turner, who filmed the heist while laughing so hard she dropped her vape in the sand. “That bird knew exactly what it wanted, and it had zero regard for the emotional wellbeing of toddlers.”
According to Brody’s parents, the burrito was purchased at a local organic food truck for $14.95 and included sustainably sourced black beans, heritage pork, and “a light dusting of tears.”
“He was just holding it up, staring into the ocean like a tiny philosopher,” said his mother, Amanda Jensen. “And then boom — outta nowhere — this seagull just dive-bombs him, snatches it clean out of his hands. Brody didn’t even cry at first. He just stood there in shock like he’d just witnessed a war crime.”
City officials confirmed this was the seventh documented burrito theft by a seagull at Cannon Beach in the last month alone, not counting unreported incidents involving tacos, pizza slices, and one regrettable incident with a $9 vegan quinoa wrap that the gull allegedly returned after one bite.
Oregon Coast Wildlife Management has issued a formal statement reminding tourists that seagulls are “not cute, not friendly, and operate with the cold precision of organized crime.” They’ve advised beachgoers to eat inside their cars, under umbrellas, or inside a locked bank vault for maximum safety.
Despite the traumatic event, Cannon Beach was awarded the title of “Most Picturesque Place to Witness Your Child Be Publicly Mugged by Nature” by Pacific Northwest Parenting Monthly. The magazine praised the beach’s aesthetic fog, rock formations, and excellent lighting for “candid trauma photography.”
As for Brody, he has since recovered and has been seen waving at birds with a look that suggests either forgiveness or a deep thirst for revenge.
“We’re just thankful the bird didn’t get the juice box too,” said his dad, visibly shaken. “That thing was organic and like six bucks.”
