SALEM, OR — In response to the growing public disdain for Elon Musk and the unfortunate social consequences of driving something associated with him, the Oregon DMV has announced a new mandatory six-week course for all Tesla owners titled: “Why Your Car Is Wrong and You Should Feel Bad.”
According to the DMV, the course is “not about the car itself,” but rather about teaching Tesla owners to “reflect deeply on their choices, consider the future political trajectory of all CEOs before making purchases, and just... try to be better.”
“We’re not here to shame anyone,” said DMV spokesperson Rain Ember-Leaf while setting fire to a Model 3 pamphlet. “We’re here to educate. Our goal is to ensure Oregon residents only purchase vehicles made by CEOs who are ideologically safe, environmentally grounded, and unlikely to post memes.”
The course includes:
- Week 1: ‘So You Bought A Tesla — What Went Wrong Spiritually?’
- Week 2: ‘How to Spot a Problematic CEO Before They Ruin Your Social Life’
- Week 3: ‘When Your Vehicle Becomes a Political Statement Against Your Will’
- Week 4: ‘Subarus: A Safe Space on Wheels’
- Week 5: ‘How to Explain to Your Friends That You’re Not One of Those Tesla Owners’
- Week 6: ‘Ritual Vehicle Cleansing & Public Apology Ceremony’
Graduates of the program receive a reusable hemp tote bag, a DMV-issued “I Regret My Tesla” window decal, and a coupon for 20% off used hybrid Volvos.
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The DMV insists this is not a punishment, but a “transformational journey,” helping Tesla drivers reintegrate into society without getting dirty looks in the co-op parking lot or having their charging ports mysteriously filled with peanut butter.
Participants are also taught to recognize red flags in future car purchases, such as: “CEO has large social media following,” “Company has dogecoin references in its earnings calls,” and “Product might be mentioned in a Joe Rogan episode.”
“If you’re going to buy a car,” said Ember-Leaf, “you need to do your homework. What’s the CEO’s vibe? Have they ever tried to make a flamethrower? Do they use the word ‘X’ as a child’s name? These are the questions responsible Oregon drivers must ask.”
DMV officials say the program is already a success, with many former Tesla owners now happily cruising the streets in 20-year-old station wagons, secure in the knowledge that their car says absolutely nothing about them.mark.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. The Oregon DMV is not requiring Tesla owners to attend any such course — yet. Any resemblance to actual DMV policies, public shame rituals, or flannel-based judgment is purely coincidental (and deeply Oregonian).
