Texas likes to think they own the title for the most American state in the Union, but they’re wrong. Oregon is better than Texas in nearly every way, including being more American. Here are 9 reasons why Oregon is more ‘MERICA than Texas.
1: Our BBQ is Better Than Your BBQ
Oregon BBQ is better than Texas BBQ because we have the best of all flavors infused into our very own Texas-toppling Oregon BBQ. Rest in piece Texas BBQ, it’s time for a new era of delicious mouth-watering Cindy Lou’s Oregon BBQ and Smoked Meats.
2: Everything Is Actually Bigger in Oregon
No butts about it, bigger is better. ENOUGH SAID.
3: Oregon Is Taller
We all know Americans prize height, and our beloved Mt. Hood towers over 2,000 feet taller than Guadalupe Peak, the tallest (if we can even use that word) point in Texas.
4: Portland is Better Than Austin, STOP COPYING US!
We have a fire-breathing bagpipe playing unicycle rider and you don’t. End of discussion, we win, so don’t even try to copy this one, it’d be too obvious.
5: Our Trees Are Bigger Than Your Trees
Every Texan likes to brag about how much size matters. Well, sorry to break it to you, Texas, but our trees are bigger than your trees.
6: Oregon Racists Are Dumber Than Texas Racists
Maybe it’s because they’re not welcome in Oregon, or maybe it’s because they moved here from Texas, either way, the racists in Oregon seem just a little bit dumber in Oregon. Proving once again that Oregon is better at everything. We even welcome them at airports with plenty of punch.
7: Oregon Has the Death Penalty, But We’re Nicer About It
We may not use it as much as you do, but you’re not that tough, Texas. What’s more American than passive-aggressive threats?
8: Oregon Rakes in Income Tax
Texas is too wimpy to collect income taxes, but we’re not ashamed of our AMERICAN-NESS.
9: SpongeBob Never Made Fun of Oregon
We Americans love our tv and cartoons. If one of America’s most popular cartoon characters says Texas is bad, who are we to argue?
When I visited Austin a few months ago, they had both “Keep Austin Weird!” as a motto, and (gasp) a VooDoo Donuts! Stop copying us!